America Chases Imaginary Chinese Boogeyman

This makes my blood boil. Here we are, worried about China. Big economy, destroying the dollar, refusing to buy all of our bonds. Commies. And lots of them. Really they could just start walking around the world and if they get here they can just walk right over us and take over. A billion of them! And they're all stuffed in there now. So naturally any red blooded American would have a concern.

Turns out, there's nothing to worry about. They don't have an army or an air force, they just show everybody a clip from "Top Gun" and then they go back to doing whatever they're doing. They are a paper tiger! They get us crazy by acting all Chinese and now look. It turns out that even our ACTORS could probably take out their whole freakin' military.

You know, if we sent a great big PICTURE of Tom Cruise over to China I bet half the country would take off. A photo of Charlton Heston or Henry Fonda would be the equivalent of an atom bomb!

“Top Gun,” the famed 1980s Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer film about jet fighter pilots, was the source of news footage used by Chinese state-run CCTV recently, according to reports this weekend.

A Wall Street Journal blog posted a video that compared scenes from the Tony Scott-directed film and CCTV footage from a news feature about a Chinese air force training exercise. The jet explosions in both pieces of footage look exactly the same—down to the smoke, fire, and debris flying out from the explosion. There are other striking similarities as well.

The Jan. 23 CCTV film faux pas was first spotted by a Chinese user named “Liu Yi” on the Ministry of Tofu blog.

The user pointed out that "the jet that the [Chinese] J-10 ‘hit’ is an F-5, a U.S. fighter jet. In Top Gun, what the leading actor Tom Cruise pilots an F-14 to bring down is exactly an F-5.”

The Journal reported that CCTV has since removed the clip from their website.

A person familiar with CCTV told the BBC that this hasn’t been the first time that the state-run television broadcaster used movie footage in a news report.

"There are other cases of the deliberate use of inappropriate footage," the source, who was not named, told the British news agency. He said that it was sometimes due to laziness or lack of footage.

[Epoch Times]

Hitler's Bodyguard Too Old, Tired to Answer Fan Mail

Have you sent a letter expressing your admiration to Hitler's last living bodyguard recently? If you have and you've yet to get a response, don't despair -- Rochus Misch hasn't been reunited with his old boss just yet. It's just that at 93 years old, Misch just doesn't have the energy to respond to the mountains of fan mail he still receives regularly.

(Reuters) - More than 65 years after World War Two, Adolf Hitler's last surviving bodyguard says that he can no longer respond to the continuous deluge of fan mail he receives from around the world, because of his advanced age.

Rochus Misch is 93 and uses a walking frame to move around his apartment. He told the Berliner Kurier tabloid that, with most of the letters he receives asking for autographs, it was "no longer possible" to reply because of his age.

"They (letters) come from Korea, from Knoxville, Tennessee, from Finland and Iceland -- and not one has a bad word to say," said Misch, who is believed to be the last man alive to have seen Hitler and other top-ranking Nazis in the flesh.

[Reuters]

Booze Saves Lives

Next time you feel like sleeping nearly naked in the snow, be sure to get your blood alcohol level at least thirty times higher than the legal limit for driving.

A drunk man found lying on a frozen park bench in his underwear survived because of the amount of alcohol in his blood.

[...]

A breath test showed he had 1,024 micrograms per 100ml, nearly 30 times the legal limit for driving, which doctors say helped him live.

They believe alcohol in his blood acted like anti-freeze - on the other hand it may have played a part in him ending up on a frozen park bench in his underpants.

[Orange News]

Newsflash: Feeding Your Children "Toxic Waste" a Bad Idea

When the Captain sees candy on the shelf called "Toxic Waste Nuclear Sludge," manufactured in Pakistan, his first thought is "this looks like a wholesome snack that American kids should be eating in abundance." Turns out the Captain is wrong about that. (There's a first time for everything.)

The Food and Drug Administration says Candy Dynamics of Indianapolis is recalling all flavors of its Toxic Waste Nuclear Sludge Chew Bars after way too much lead turned up in some cherry-flavored bars in California.

The company, citing "an abundance of caution," is pulling all flavors of the bars ever produced. Those would be the sour apple, blue raspberry and cherry chew bars. All of them are imported from Pakistan.

The problem was discovered by the Californian Department of Public Health, found 0.24 parts per million of lead in a batch of cherry-flavored bars. The FDA doesn't allow more than 0.1 parts per million because even a little too much lead can cause health problems for little kids, infants and pregnant women.

The company says its other Toxic Waste candies, marketed on its website as "hazardously sour," are OK and are unaffected by the recall. The potentially lead-laden bars were distributed to stores nationwide and also were sold by mail.

[NPR]

America's Leading Blowhard Mimics Chinese Leaders

Rush Limbaugh, this guy is like the highest paid radio guy there is. On the one hand, who hasn't heard someone doing a Chinese accent and laughed? But on the other hand, this is usually one of your stupid friends, it's not a guy who's making millions on the radio. He should have better material, sure, but you can't really criticize the guy too much. Ching ching, chong chong cha. That can be funny. Come on!

The beef I have with this sack of beef is I want to know how Rush Limbaugh judges a guy like...Rush Limbaugh. If some guy he didn't like had a drug problem, would he be cool with it? Like if Obama had a drug problem, would Rush Limbaugh say, "hey, we've all been there man, it's alright." I would guess not. He would use it as an opportunity to slam away. And Rush Limbaugh had a drug problem! I know he got nailed for some prescription drug thing, but some guy I know told me he was running around with him in California smoking weed in these private rich guy weed smoking drug clubs.

Apparently there's a network of drug clubs that the rich guys go to, and this way when they pass out or whatever they're all taken care of. These joints are all over the world. I've never been to one, but I've heard Rush has. I wonder if Rush can do a good Mexican? I've always found British accents the hardest to goof on. I just can't get it right.

Rush Limbaugh's imitation of the Chinese language during a recent speech made by Chinese President Hu Jintao has stirred a backlash among Asian-American lawmakers in California and nationally.

California state Sen. Leland Yee, a Democrat from San Francisco, is leading a fight in demanding an apology from the radio talk show host for what he and others view as racist and derogatory remarks against the Chinese people.

"The comments that he made — the mimicking of the Chinese language — harkens back to when I was a little boy growing up in San Francisco and those were hard days, rather insensitive days," Yee said in an interview Thursday. "You think you've arrived and all of a sudden get shot back to the reality that you're a second-class citizen."

During a Jan. 19 radio program, Limbaugh said there was no translation of the Chinese president's speech during a visit to the White House.

"He was speaking and they weren't translating," Limbaugh said. "They normally translate every couple of words. Hu Jintao was just going ching chong, ching chong cha."

He then launched into a 20-second-long imitation of the Chinese leader's dialect.

The next day, Limbaugh said he "did a remarkable job" of imitating China's president for someone who doesn't know a language spoken by more than 1 billion people.

A telephone and e-mail to Limbaugh's station operator Clear Channel Communications Inc. was not returned Thursday. Clear Channel's Premiere Radio Networks Inc. is home to Limbaugh, Jim Rome, Ryan Seacrest, Glenn Beck, Bob Costas and Sean Hannity.

An e-mail to Limbaugh's show requesting comment was also not returned.

[Associated Press]

The Thoughtful Egomaniac

First off, this is a decent looking woman, so all she has to do is stand still and shut up. But that's too much for her. Admit it, if she came up to you and started talking you wouldn't listen to a word but on some level, about chest level, she'd have your full attention. It would take a while to hear what she was saying so you wouldn't immediately know how off the wall nuts she is.

She's dating some guy for six months and telling everyone that she's picked out engagement rings. Does he know he's getting engaged? Judging by her roll call of talented guys, while she likes BEING in relationships, they seem to like ENDING them. The boob power must wear off.

She then explains the engagement ring thing by putting down all women. All women are idiots and she is just one of many. "I feel women are confusing." Hard to put a brand on half the human race but there it is. Other words spring to mind.

She uses the word "plethora?" Is that made up?

Then, "she's better as a couple?" A couple of what? It's good that she can admit she's not a complete person all by herself, but still, what a ramble this is. It could be the most inspired airhead rant ever. If she becomes a "couple" and splits herself in two I would like a half that doesn't speak.

Finally, the boyfriend speaks and apparently Jennifer wrote a manual on herself, like the kind that comes with a car, so guys everywhere could read it and understand how to deal with her. This guy read it and talked to her in the code in the book and he scored. You have to admire him. She's obviously psychotic but hot from certain angles. You overlook some psychosis when they're hot, but usually you don't need to get through a whole book. They blab away and you don't listen. It's all good. And then you're outta there, bang!

Exhausting. I'm going to read her book though because I have a feeling this deal may not work out.

Hollywood actress Jennifer Love Hewitt is giving ample choice to her boyfriend Alex Beh - she has prepared three engagement rings to help him choose from when he proposes to her.

The 'Ghost Whisperer' star, who has been dating the director for past six months does not want to upset him if he chooses something she dislikes, reported Contactmusic.

"I actually have three engagement rings because I feel like I'm doing the guy a favour. I feel women are very confusing. We never know what we want and we're not very good at nailing that down for them. And I feel like I don't want to be upset if he picks a bad ring, so I feel like having three picked out and saying, 'Look! Look at this plethora of things you can choose from!'," Hewitt said.

The 31-year-old actress, who has previously dated John Mayer, Carson Daly and Ross McCall loves to be in a relationship.

"I feel like as a person, I am better as a couple," she added.

Beh, who embarked on a romance with Hewitt after her break-up with Jamie Kennedy last April, used her book 'The Day I Shot Cupid' to ask her out on a date.

"The book is very informative. I learned all I needed to know. When I first met her, I really was able to just map out all the things to do and not to do," he said.

[Press Trust of India]

Eat Me

For the person intent on doing himself in, there are a lot of options: rope, guns, pills, heights, razor blades, etc. One method that never crossed the Captain's mind before now was making oneself into bear food.

FLAGSTAFF, Ariz. (AP) -- A convicted killer who escaped from an Arizona prison said after his capture that he had planned to overdose on heroin at Yellowstone National Park and let bears eat him to end the fear and panic he was experiencing while on the lam.

Tracy Province told Mohave County sheriff's Detective Larry Matthews that he had wanted to go up on a mountain, shoot up a gram of heroin and "be bear food." As he was preparing the drug, a voice told him not to go through with the plan, and he changed course in favor of trying to hitchhike to Indiana to see family.

[...]

Province told Matthews about his plan to commit suicide after he was returned to Arizona following his Aug. 9 capture in the sleepy town of Meeteetse, Wyo.

He was serving two life sentences for murder and robbery and told Matthews he fantasized about fleeing but became nervous after scaling a fence topped with barbed wire and cutting through another fence. The trio's escape went unnoticed for hours.

"He didn't know why anyone would want to escape because all you do is look over you(r) shoulder the entire time," Matthews wrote.

[...]

Province also discovered that he forgot how to drive during their time in New Mexico, telling Matthews that he almost hit other motorists. The group of fugitives ended up leaving the vehicle he was driving behind.

"Everyone drives too fast now," Matthews quoted Province as saying. "When he went to prison the speed limit was 55."

[Journal & Courier]

Bring Back the Wiseguys

In keeping with the spirit of Ensign Killjoy's previous post, here's another story about NYC's indigenous culture being crushed like a grape underfoot.

For Daily Downers' readers unfamiliar with NYC, "NoLita" is the too cute by half name made up by real estate tycoons for the northern section of the city's storied Little Italy neighborhood. Most of the area's residents of Italian decent are long gone, but there are still a few old-school cheese shops and salumerias that manage to hang on in addition to a strip of red gravy joints catering to tourists. And one tradition that's survived for 85 years is the San Gennaro Feast, NYC's longest-running outdoor religious festival. It's a chaotic mob-scene of religious processions, colorful parades and loads of stands selling greasy sausage and peppers sandwiches and zeppoles. It's cheesy, it's loud, it's attended mostly by boozed-up people who don't live in the neighborhood, and it's far more profane than sacred in character. It's also pretty damn fun.

But fun and tradition have no place in today's New York. The latest example of this is fancy-ass boutique owners in the "NoLita" neighborhood who are fighting tooth and nail to kill the San Gennaro Feast in order to protect their precious fabrics from the oily fingers of plebeian festival revelers. If the mafia still ruled Mulberry St., you could bet your bottom dollar that these well-heeled interlopers would keep their pretty little mouths shut and respect the neighborhood's traditions.

NOLITA — NoLita residents and merchants seeking to rid their neighborhood of the annual San Gennaro Feast scored a victory last week when Community Board 2 penned a letter to the city's permit office urging them to cut off the 85-year-old festival at Kenmare Street, the de facto border between Little Italy and NoLita.

[...]

Kim Martin, a neighborhood resident for more than 10 years who is in favor of a truncated San Gennaro Festival, said that Nolita boutiques suffer during the San Gennaro festival because street vendors block their entrances, fill their haute-couture shops with the smell of fried food, and drive off high-fashion consumers with large and rowdy crowds.

[...]

John Fratta, 58, president of the Little Italy Restoration Association and a San Gennaro boardmember who said his great grandfather founded the festival in 1926, called opposition to the feast "bigotry."

Fratta recounted a visit he made to a handbag designer north of Kenmare. When he suggested they could profit off of San Gennaro and the multitudes of people the festival attracts to the neighborhood, Fratta said he was told, "those aren't our clientele."

"That's bigotry," Fratta concluded.

But Martin, who spoke at Thursday's CB2 meeting, said NoLita business owners are just being realistic.

"The people coming to San Gennaro for canolis and fried sausages are not looking for a $100 handbag or a pair of one-of-a-kind $400 trainers," Martin said.

[DNAinfo]

Bring Back the Whores

Many moons ago I worked in Times Square and it was great. A luscious sleazepit bordered to the east by uber-corporate towers and to the west by Hell's Kitchen, which was where the real people lived. Porno theatres were in there next to "Lawrence of Arabia," and there were also steady kung fu and Japanese monster movie shows.

Nowadays Times Square is another minimall. As The G says, "America's Gift Shop." The scale is still different, there's some partying going on over $10 drinks in the new hotel bars, but overall it's been paved over. Now we have Starbucks, next to the Disney Store, next to KFC. Could be almost anywhere. It's been going on for 30 years and the Associated Press is finally taking notice.

If you're anything like me you wake up in the middle of the night screaming, "bring back the whores!" Do you think Times Square is better now than it was back then? Well, it isn't. It was better in the old days. Now they order up the whores from room service. It sucks. And if you like it better now, you suck too.

It would be great if the people who bought those overpriced condos in Hell's Kitchen as an "investment," because they thought "the neighborhood was getting better," woke up one day and saw that the neighborhood had reverted back to 1970. Swarming with whores and drugs. And great hair.

Why doesn't anything good happen anymore!?!

CBGB, the birthplace of punk rock, is gone. No longer can visitors to Coney Island plunk down a few coins to play the unsettling attraction called "Shoot the Freak." And seedy, edgy, anything-might-happen Times Square? These days, it's all but childproof.

It continues: That diner on the corner for decades — closed. The beer garden down the street — now a Starbucks. The block once home to clusters of independent businesses — thriving as a big-box store.

And last month, another piece of the old New York slipped away with the demise of the city's Off-Track Betting parlors. It's enough to make old-school New Yorkers bristle.

Around countless corners, the weird, unexpected, edgy, grimy New York — the town that so many looked to for so long as a relief from cookie-cutter America — has evolved into something else entirely: tamed, prepackaged, even predictable.

"What draws people to New York is its uniqueness. So when something goes, people feel sad about it," says Suzanne Wasserman, director of the Gotham Center for New York City History at the City University of New York.

"I think that's also part of the New York character," she says, "that 'Things were better when ...'"

[Associated Press]

You Snooze You Lose

Many of us have had to suffer the unpleasantness of being stuck in an airport at one time or another. For those who are unashamed to snore in public, catching a few z's is a pretty good way to kill a few hours of overnight waiting. The Captain recommends that you sleep on a bench, a chair or the floor; nodding off on stairs 13 feet off the ground is likely to bring on the Big Sleep.

A man died after falling down the stairs in the waiting hall at Terminal 1C of Soekarno-Hatta International Airport on Tuesday morning, an airport officer said.

Randa Ibrahim, 27, who was sitting on the stairs, four meters from the ground, may have fallen asleep when the incident occurred at 3 a.m., Terminal 1 general manager Eduardus Rumyaan said Tuesday as quoted by tempo.interaktif.com.

Randa’s head had hit the ceramic floor, causing severe wounds to his face and head, which led to his death, Eduardus said.

Ibrahim, a resident of Parakamuncang village in Bogor regency, had arrived at the airport at around 1 a.m. and was scheduled to fly to Manado, North Sulawesi, at 9 a.m. on a Batavia Air flight.

[Jakarta Post]

History Is Bunk, Void Without Knowledge Beckons

As if you didn't already know, the article below conclusively proves history is bunk. Historians will be laid off in droves. How much of what we think we know is completely made up? First the scientists make up this whole global warming thing, and now we see these trusted Abe Lincoln researchers are making stuff up too? Talk about shattering the pillars of my confidence! This is like a double barreled blast where one barrel hits my brain, and the other barrel...hits my brain as well. I'm just dead over this.

What's next? I'd like to take a look at the Constitution. What if the right to "bear arms" is really the right to "bare arms?" Or what if it was literally about the right to have "bear arms," like you can go out and cut the arms off of bears? Can we ever really know the answer to this question? And now that we don't even know what the Constitution really said in the first place, it's all just pointless.

And it's not just studying the Constitution that's pointless. Everything involving a document that's ever been touched by one of these freakin' "historians" is toast. Galilleo. Wow. If it wasn't all over before it's all over now. Goodbye research and thinking, hello accept the pointlessness and emptiness of everything in a spiraling void where knowledge is completely impossible. This may be alright if there are "Barbarella" type chicks flying around in the void with jet packs. Otherwise it's not going to be good.

The National Archives says a longtime Abraham Lincoln researcher has been caught telling a big lie about Honest Abe.

The Archives said Monday that historian Thomas P. Lowry, 78, of Woodbridge, has acknowledged that he used a fountain pen with special ink to change the date on a presidential pardon issued by Lincoln to a military deserter, making it appear that Lowry had uncovered a document of historical significance.

Specifically, Lowry changed the date of the pardon from April 14, 1864 to April 14, 1865. The Archive said the change made it look as if Lowry had discovered a document that was perhaps Lincoln's final official act before he was assassinated that evening at Ford's Theatre.

Lowry's purported discovery was hailed by historians when he came forward in 1998. At the time, a Civil War expert with the Archives said Lowry had made "a unique and substantial contribution to Lincoln research and to the study of the Civil War."

The National Archives gave the document prominent display, putting it on tour along with other important Lincoln documents.

But for several years, archivist Thomas Plante had been troubled by the document. The '5' appeared to be darker than the rest of the document and was perhaps covering another number. Plante then checked the document against an authoritative collection of Lincoln's writings, which showed the pardon of a Union Army deserter named Patrick Murphy had occurred in 1864. At that point, Plante took his concerns to the Archives' Office of Inspector General, where an investigator shared Plante's suspicions.

The Archives said it then contacted Lowry to try and determine what happened.

After initially refusing to speak with them, Lowry confessed to the Archives earlier this month to changing the date while he reviewed the documents in an Archives reading room in Washington to which historians and other members of the public enjoy access, officials said. He told the Archives he did it so it would appear that he had uncovered a historically significant document.

[Associated Press]

What the World Needs Now: A New Genghis Khan

It turns out that killing tens of millions of people is a great way to combat global warming. Thank you, Genghis!

Genghis Khan has been branded the greenest invader in history - after his murderous conquests killed so many people that huge swathes of cultivated land returned to forest.

The Mongol leader, who established a vast empire between the 13th and 14th centuries, helped remove nearly 700 million tons of carbon from the atmosphere, claims a new study.

The deaths of 40 million people meant that large areas of cultivated land grew thick once again with trees, which absorb carbon dioxide from the atmosphere.

[...]

‘We found that during the short events such as the Black Death and the Ming Dynasty collapse, the forest re-growth wasn't enough to overcome the emissions from decaying material in the soil,’ explained [Julia] Pongratz [of the Carnegie Institution's Department of Global Ecology].

‘But during the longer-lasting ones like the Mongol invasion... there was enough time for the forests to re-grow and absorb significant amounts of carbon.’

[Daily Mail]

Your Bratty Kid Destined to Be a Fat, Diseased, Broke, Drunken Criminal

Think your child's bad behavior is "just a phase" that he or she will get over? Think again.

Tantrums and lack of self control in toddlers is a sign they may grow up to be drugs addicts and criminals, claims research.

[...]

The long term study followed more than 1,000 children in New Zealand through their lives to see if there was a connection between early behaviour and success in adulthood.

The youngsters were assessed by teachers, parents, observers and the participants themselves on a range of measures including "low frustration tolerance, lacks persistence in reaching goals, difficulty sticking with a task, overactive, acts before thinking, has difficulty waiting turn, restless, not conscientious".

They were then followed up later in life to see how they had turned out.

Prof Terrie Moffitt and Prof Avshalom Caspi, of Duke University, North Carolina, said the impulsivity and relative inability to think about the long-term gave them more difficulty with finances, like savings, home ownership and credit card debt.

They also were more likely to be single parents, have a criminal conviction record, and be dependent on alcohol, tobacco, cannabis and harder drugs.

[...]

Their health suffered with badly behaved youth most from breathing problems, gum disease, sexually transmitted disease, inflammation, overweight and high cholesterol and blood pressure.

Prof Moffitt said: "These adult outcomes were predictable across the entire spectrum of self-control scores, from low to high."

[Telegraph]

Pope Finally Slams Facebook Generation

Here is another article where you have to read between the lines a little. The Pope probably doesn't want to mess with the guys running Facebook too much, especially since Goldman Sachs is helping them out now and he doesn't want to hurt the Vatican's credit rating. But he's right on the money here, and this statement is pretty sly in condemning this evil trend.

The Pope says that social networking offers a "great opportunity." But he does not give even ONE example of such opportunity in any area of life. Then he goes on to cite "depersonalization, alienation, self-indulgence, and the dangers of having more virtual friends than real ones." That's four bad things. So there are ZERO opportunities and FOUR bad things. That's means he thinks it's BAD.

Popes are used to having to make cryptic comments. I'm sure that quite a few people came to this accurate conclusion on the Pope's condemnation, but the rest of our readers can rely on me. Facebook = Hell. Watch out! And stop posting pictures of your cats playing with string PLEASE! Go out and make a real friend.

Pope Benedict gave a qualified blessing to social networking Monday, praising its potential but warning that online friendships are no substitute for real human contact.

The 83-year-old pontiff, who does not have his own Facebook account, set out his views in a message with a weighty title that would easily fit into a tweet: "Truth, proclamation and authenticity of life in the digital age."

He said the possibilities of new media and social networks offered "a great opportunity," but warned of the risks of depersonalization, alienation, self-indulgence, and the dangers of having more virtual friends than real ones.

"It is important always to remember that virtual contact cannot and must not take the place of direct human contact with people at every level of our lives," Benedict said in the message for the Catholic Church's World Day of Communications.

[Reuters]

Man Tattoos "Mini" on His Member

This gentleman must be very secure about his masculinity.

A German man has won a £20,000 Mini Cooper – after he agreed to have the brand’s logo tattooed on his manhood.

Andreas Muller, 39, from Sachsen Anhalt, entered a radio station contest to show who would pull the craziest stunt to get the car.

Listeners heard him squealing in agony as an expert tattooist recreated the car’s ‘Mini’ logo on his penis while a female presenter looked on.

“There were a lot of crazy stunts put forward by listeners, but Andreas won by a short head,” said one organiser.

Mr Muller said: “Once I’m sitting in the car, it won’t matter anymore. Then the pain will be gone and it’ll be alright.”

[NewsTalk]

Body Heat

Here's a plan to save money and to give people a chance to bathe in the warmth of their loved ones. What's not to like?

CONTROVERSIAL plans are in the pipeline which could see Redditch’s revamped Abbey Stadium heated using waste energy from the neighbouring crematorium, the Standard can exclusively reveal.

[...]

It is believed the heat loss created when the gas within the cremators is cooled down from around 800 degrees to 150 degrees could be almost completely eradicated by transferring the energy to heat a large part of the leisure centre, giving an estimated saving of £14,560 a year.

Simon Thomas, of Thomas Brothers Funeral Directors on Evesham Road, told the Standard: “I don’t know how comfortable people would feel about the swimming pool being heated due to the death of a loved one, I think it’s a bit strange and eerie.

“I’m not comfortable with it at all and I think trying to save money due to the death of someone’s family member or friend is a bit sick.

“I think it will cause uproar and may even put people off using the facilities which would lose the council money. It just doesn’t feel right.”

[Redditch Standard]

RJ Reynolds Mocks Brooklyn Hipsters

And apparently the hipsters aren't hip to the joke -- they're handing over their money as fast as they can to the company that's mocking and killing them.

Bodega owners across Williamsburg and Greenpoint say that they’re selling out of the gimmicky smokes as soon as they’re stocked.

People who once would rather fight than switch are grabbing the pack with their neighborhood’s name.

“I smoke Marlboro, but whenever I see the Williamsburg [Camels] I buy it,” said Abdo Hussein, a worker at God Bless Deli in Greenpoint. “I live in the neighborhood, so it’s cool to have. We’re selling out of them quick.”

[...]

Bodega workers on Bedford and Manhattan avenues said that they’re running out of the neighborhood pack the same day that they’re dropped off.

Heck, one woman even walks into the N 7 Market on Bedford Avenue and N. Seventh Street every single day to see if any Williamsburg packs arrived, a cashier said. When the packs are around, she buys every single one.

[...]

“The pack is kinda stupid, but they [R.J. Reynolds] definitely know how to sell smokes,” said neighborhood resident Tyler Pearson, who coughed up $10.79 for a pack.

The text on the back of the pack reads: Some call it the most famous hipster neighborhood. But it's not about hip. IT'S ABOUT BREAKING FREE. It's about last call, a sloppy kiss goodbye and a solo saunter to a rock show in an abandoned building. It's where a tree grows. It's Camel in the Williamsburg corner of Brooklyn.

It's about breaking free, all right. There's no freedom like the freedom of cigarette addiction. And what's more liberating than cancer?

[Brooklyn Paper]

Killer Tunes

If you're a musician performing in Mexico, you should probably try not to perform at your best. It seems the way Mexican audiences show their appreciation for good music these days is by throwing grenades at the stage and filling performers with hot lead.

Leaving the audience wanting more is the goal of every musician, unless you're a musician in violence-torn Mexico.

Two members of local group La Excelencia were murdered in a Guadalajara bar early Monday morning after refusing to play more songs past closing time, El Occidental of Mexico reported.

[...]

When La Excelencia's performance came to an end around 4 a.m. local time, four reportedly intoxicated and aggressive audience members demanded the musicians continue playing. Sensing trouble, the group extended its set by two songs, but was eventually forced to pull the plug by the bar's owner, according to El Occidental.

Out of nowhere, one of the instigators threw a grenade at the stage. The explosion injured one person and had panicked customers running for the exits.

[Band members] Martinez and Alejandro were among those who fled the bar, but they were met at the front door by a hail of bullets, presumably from the same four men who had harassed them earlier.

[NY Daily News]

Hay, That's Not Funny

Sadly, help did not arrive in time to bale this man out.

Orleans, NY -- A Pennsylvania man was killed when he was struck by bales of hay in Jefferson County Thursday.

State Police in Alexandria Bay said George H. Baker, 66, of Gap, Penn., was parked on the side of county Route 5 in Lafargeville picking up a load of hay to bring back to Pennsylvania. "He was walking along the flat-bed trailer, securing tie-down straps as the hay was being loaded," police reported, when three bales of hay fell onto him.

Baker was taken to Samaritan Medical Center in Watertown where he was pronounced dead.

[Syracuse.com]

Robot Jockeys Electrifying Camels

It seems to the Captain that arming robots with high voltage weapons might not be the best idea. Robots are already taking all our jobs, so it's only a matter of time before they turn on us.

Racing camels is popular throughout the Gulf, where owning a herd of beasts specially bred for the sport has become a fashion accoutrement. The most prized animals can sell for more than $1 million.

But Dubai police have confirmed they uncovered a gang of dealers who were selling electric stun gun kits, for up to £5,000, across the region.

These were then being fitted inside the robot jockeys, which cost between £130-£200, that in recent years have largely replaced child jockeys, traditionally used in camel racing, due to humanitarian concerns.

[...]

"They put stun guns inside the jockey that sits on the camel so it could send electric shocks," he said. "They made them to order and sold them in several countries.

[...]

"It is inhumane to use such machines in camel races. It is also against animal protection laws and against our traditions."

Of course, their "tradition," as alluded to above, was to use child camel jockeys who were as young as 4 years old. These children were sold into virtual slavery by their parents, where they lived in prison camps and were routinely sexually and physically abused in addition to being starved of food to keep them as light as possible. So electrified robots torturing fleet-footed camels represents real humanitarian progress.

[Telegraph]

Survival Skills! Is the Answer

You don't know me. I live in Lower Hackensack, Rhode Island, with my wife and 15 children (6 from current wife, rest from abroad). My kids were watching this "Kardashians" show the other night. And I didn't like it. But my kids LOVE it. So I tell them that's it. No more. And they start crying.

And my wife says "why can't they watch the Kardashians?"

And I say, "what are they learning from this? It's unhealthy."

And she says, "what the hell are you learning watching all those zombie movies?"

And I say, "survival skills!"

This poor prisoner, he couldn't get a dime out of these bastards. These Kardashians destroyed his whole life. Don't say I didn't warn you. Nice cans though.

A Pennsylvania prisoner who claimed that watching reality TV show "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" caused him "extreme emotional distress" has lost a court case seeking damages.

Daniel Goodson had argued in a September 10 complaint that the socialite Los Angeles sisters Kim, Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian intended their behaviour on their two television shows "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" and "Kourtney & Khloe Take Miami" to cause him injury.

He had sought more than $75,000 (£47,163) in damages, as well as an apology, but on Thursday he lost an appeal in the Philadelphia courts.

The appeals court said the sisters' alleged conduct was "simply not sufficiently outrageous" to sustain Goodson's claim for intentional infliction of emotional distress.

It also said Goodson could not prevail on a negligence claim.

[Reuters]

Michelle Obama's Secret Plan to Kill America's Obese

They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. It looks like it's increasingly littered with flattened fatsoes as well.

Scott McCabe, Reporter for the Washington Examiner, pointed out in an email to The Daily Caller that the GHSA brought up Michelle Obama in a story pitch for their report about pedestrian deaths.

Their pitch included a bullet point that read “One is the possible increase in distracted pedestrians and distracted drivers. We’ve been focusing on the drivers, but perhaps we need to focus some attention on distracted walkers! Additionally, Mrs. Obama and others have been bringing attention to “get moving” programs, so perhaps pedestrian exposure has increased.”

Additionally, another GHSA spokesperson mentioned Michelle Obama by name this morning during an interview with a local radio station. Michelle Obama is “trying to get us to walk to work and exercise a little bit more. While that’s good, it also increases our exposure to risk,” said GHSA’s Jonathan Adkins.

[...]

In an interview with the Washington Examiner, [Governors Highway Safety Association Director Barbara] Harsha said that while there are not yet definitive answers as to why there were more pedestrian deaths in 2010 than 2009, Obama’s “get moving” movement could be at least partially to blame.

“There’s an emphasis these days to getting fit, and I think people doing that are more exposed to risk [of getting hit by a vehicle],” Harsha told the Examiner. “Obviously, further study is needed.”

"Further study is needed," the Captain's ass! As Daily Downers has noted time and time again, exercise is at best futile, and as this story proves conclusively, is often deadly.

[Daily Caller]

It's Not a Funeral Home, It's an "Events Center"

Woody Allen once said, "marriage is the death of hope." (He also said, "I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens," which applies equally well to the act of tying the noose ... I mean knot.) So it strikes the Captain as perfectly appropriate for couples to take their giant leap where the bones of the departed eternally sleep.

INDIANAPOLIS — Paulita and Tony Flores took their wedding vows in December in an elegant rotunda with marble floors amid glimmering chandeliers and a bubbling fountain.

It didn't bother them that a room down the hall showcased caskets and urns. Or that the building was surrounded by a large cemetery with 100,000 gravestones on 60 acres. Or that on other days, the facility hosts something a lot more somber — funerals.

[...]

Across the USA, funeral homes are building and marketing such centers as not just a place to mourn the dead but as sites for events celebrating the living, including weddings, birthdays, anniversaries, holiday parties and proms.

[...]

"The place wasn't being utilized because people had tunnel vision," says [events coordinator Carla] Fletcher, who also often plays the part of wedding planner for the couples. "They thought since it was a funeral home, they (couldn't) sell it. But I don't see a funeral home; I see an events center."

[...]

Although people may think it morbid to start a marriage in a place surrounded by sadness, it would be no different than doing it at a church — where both caskets and newlyweds occupy the aisles throughout the year, says Sue Totterdale, national chairwoman of the National Association of Wedding Professionals. "A banquet hall is a banquet hall, and a chapel is a chapel," she says. "If you can get past the driveway and the cemetery, it's going to be beautiful."

[USA Today]

The Scent of Money

You know what money smells like? (OK, most of you probably don't since you haven't worked in years and haven't seen or touched any in recent memory.) It smells like ass, that's what. It's filthy, which is why every cashier with half a brain wears surgical gloves when handling the stuff.

Patrick McCarthy, a vice president of sales at Microsoft, took a break from his day job to create His Money Cologne and Her Money Eau de Parfum, a line of his-and-hers fragrances that are designed to make the wearer smell like a million bucks -- or more, depending on how much you put on.

[...]

"I really feel that people who wear this will feel more confident," McCarthy told AOL News. "I got the idea after reading a story about a Japanese study that showed a significant increase in worker productivity when the smell of money was pumped through vents into factories."

[...]

McCarthy figures [$35 a bottle is] a reasonable price to pay since smelling like money is sure to give someone confidence.

"We have had quite a bit of positive customer feedback," he said. "I'd like to think that people will use it as part of our economic recovery. I got an order from a serviceman in Afghanistan and sent him a bunch of extra bottles.

"They understand what they're fighting for and a lot of it is money."

[AOL News] via [The Hairpin]

Heavy Lifting

If only America's poor and middle class would stop being so goddamned cheap instead of leaving the "heavy lifting" to the rich, maybe this economy would start to pick up a little.

Sales of luxury goods are soaring, while sales at Wal-Mart are tepid. The affluent cardholders of American Express have rebounded, while Visa and MasterCard have yet to see the same surge. Mansions are selling again, ranch houses are not.

The reasons for the divergence are simple enough: The rich are benefiting from soaring stock markets, cheap money and rapid growth overseas. The rest of America is still weighed down by unemployment, poor credit, falling real-estate values and slow domestic growth.

Economists call this a plutonomy, or an economy dominated by the rich. “The heavy lifting is being done by the upper-income households,” Michael Feroli, chief U.S. economist at J.P. Morgan Chase & Co. told Bloomberg.

[...]

Mr. Zandi [of Moody's Analytics] and others say this imbalance is inherently unstable. Relying on such a tiny slice of consumers, who are themselves highly reliant on volatile stock markets and asset prices, is no recipe for long-term growth.

“In the near term it highlights the fragility of the recovery,” he said.

[...]

It’s comforting to think of the plutonomy as temporary, as an unstable, top-heavy system that will soon crumble under its own weight. But right now, all signs point more to its permanence than its collapse.

[WSJ] via [The Awl]

Silent But Deadly

Sometimes he who smelt it gets dealt it.

BRISTOL — — A 21-year-old city man charged with stabbing four people at a party Saturday night, killing one, told investigators he became enraged because people were criticizing him for passing gas, police said.

Marc Higgins, who was described by witnesses as being "very drunk," stormed out of the party, came back armed with three knives and started stabbing people indiscriminately, according to court documents released Monday.

Matthew Walton, 21, also of Bristol, died of stab wounds after the attack, police said. Two men and a woman also were stabbed, but all have been released from Bristol Hospital.

Higgins told police he was angry at being derided and wanted to teach people that they shouldn't trifle with him, according to the court documents.

[...]

Police say Higgins got into an argument with another person at the party, Stacy Buccheri, who chastised him for being flatulent. Witnesses told police that Buccheri slapped Higgins, who smashed a beer bottle and then stormed out of the apartment.

He returned about 45 minutes later, police said, and attacked several people on a porch with knives, including all four who were wounded.

Higgins fled by the time police arrived, but turned himself in to police a few hours later, police said.

[Hartford Courant]

Test Dive

They say that misery loves company, but sometimes it's better to drown your sorrows alone.

A car salesman trapped underwater in a car by a customer who drove off a pier yesterday told an inquest he only realised the man was "on a suicide mission" as they went over the side.

Richard Byrne (45) of Chanel Road, Artane, Dublin 5, drowned after he drove a red MINI Cooper he was taking for a test drive into the sea in Howth on July 13, 2010.

Jeremy Beshoff, the owner of Beshoff Motors in Howth, was a front-seat passenger in the car at the time and managed to escape from the submerged vehicle.

Recalling the terrifying episode at Dublin City Coroner's Court yesterday, Mr Beshoff said Mr Byrne let the clutch out and accelerated hard, driving the car over the side between two boats.

"This happened so quickly I only realised when we were going over the side that Mr Byrne was on a suicide mission."

[...]

"What isn't really explained is why Richard should have involved Mr Beshoff at all," [Coroner Dr Brian Farrell] said. Some time after the incident, Mr Beshoff suggested that "maybe he wanted someone with him because he was too scared to do it on his own".

[Belfast Telegraph]

Fit TV Watchers Just as Doomed as the Rest of Us

We all know that our sedentary lifestyles are killing us, so many of the more health conscious among us have taken to getting regular exercise in order to counteract the risks associated with spending so much time sitting on our asses. But guess what? That exercise is a complete waste of time if you're still spending several hours a day in front of a glowing screen. It turns out that regardless of how much exercise you get, your TV and computer are killing you. All that time you're spending at the gym might help you leave behind a fitter corpse, but that's about it.

Many of us sit in front of a computer for eight hours a day, and then go home and head for the couch to surf the Web or watch television, exchanging one seat and screen for another. Even if we try to squeeze in an hour at the gym, is it enough to counteract all that motionless sitting?

[...]

The latest findings, published this week in The Journal of the American College of Cardiology, indicate that the amount of leisure time spent sitting in front of a screen can have such an overwhelming, seemingly irreparable impact on one’s health that physical activity doesn’t produce much benefit.

The study followed 4,512 middle-aged Scottish men for a little more than four years on average. It found that those who said they spent two or more leisure hours a day sitting in front of a screen were at double the risk of a heart attack or other cardiac event compared with those who watched less. Those who spent four or more hours of recreational time in front of a screen were 50 percent more likely to die of any cause. It didn’t matter whether the men were physically active for several hours a week — exercise didn’t mitigate the risk associated with the high amount of sedentary screen time.

[NYT]

Taco Truck Bust Saves New York City

I read this and I thought - what an awesome display of manpower and focused management. They got EIGHT cops sitting up there looking at this truck ALL morning? Who's driving this truck, Dillinger? Too much.

The woman who owns the truck, she doesn't speak English, they give her a $55 ticket, and I can totally relate, she goes, "okay, fuck it, I still got 45 minutes." There is not a man alive who is a native of New York City that would dispute this logic or reasoning, IN ANY LANGUAGE.

And this taco truck is "unfairly competing" with businesses up there? On the Upper East Side? Can I call my Philadelphia lawyer? You're kidding, right? Guy walks by a Zagat's restaurant and goes, "to hell with this, I'm getting a taco." COME ON.

Ordinarily I would suggest a rally or something but I'm tired. Everybody who reads this should be pissed off and drive over and buy a taco. Or better yet, drive over there and go into a restaurant and go, "hey, where's the taco truck?"

It wasn't the rain that spoiled Paty's Taco Truck's first day back on the Upper East Side. It was the police.

The NYPD towed the food truck just after 1 p.m. on Tuesday in the midst of a special $1 taco deal that was meant to commemorate Paty's return to 86th Street and Lexington Avenue.

The taco truck, which has built a loyal following on the Upper East Side corner over the last two years, was ousted from the neighborhood more than a month ago, following a ticketing blitz that culminated in the arrest of the taco truck founder’s son, Alberto Loera, and the truck's towing.

The battle continued on Tuesday.

"They told us we had to move or we'd be towed," Loera explained as the cops rigged the food truck to the tow truck.

They gave Paty's truck a $55 summons saying it was not allowed to sell merchandise from a metered spot, Loera said. His mother, Patricia Monroy, who does not speak English, made the ultimate decision to stay put once her family translated what the cops were saying.

"My mother felt like she was not breaking the law," Loera said. "We still had 45 minutes on the meter."

Roughly eight officers in a police van had been monitoring Paty's the entire morning, said Sean Basinski, director of the Street Vendor Project, an advocacy group based at the Urban Justice Center.

Loera had reached out to the Street Vendor Project after his Nov. 29 arrest, and members of the organization joined Paty's for Tuesday's return to raise awareness on issues vendors face: harassment from law enforcement and city ofices, a harsh ticketing system and excessive punishment and regulations confusing to vendors and cops alike.

But no one anticipated the towing.

Paty's had faced the ire of several residents on Community Board 8, who complain about food trucks in the area. They worry the trucks are illegally hogging metered parking spots and that they are unfairly competing with struggling brick-and-mortar stores.

[DNAinfo.com]

Dead Fetuses: Not Just for Stem Cells Anymore

Disappointed with your rabbit's foot and your four-leaf clover? Well, the Captain has just the ticket for you. All you need to do is knock your wife up, chop her into pieces with an axe, then hang your dead, dried, unborn child around your neck on a string.

A MAN told police he murdered his pregnant wife with an axe because he wanted the fetus to make a lucky charm which might help him win the lottery.

The 38-year-old was arrested a day after after allegedly luring his wife, aged 24, into the forest of northeastern Xieng Khuang province on January 3 and killing her with an axe blow to the back, the Vientiane Times reported.

[...]

Police told the state-linked newspaper that the man confessed he planned to use the three-month old fetus to produce a "louk lord", a mystical object which, according to local legend, can give its owner great power and fortune.

[...]

The suspect said he had heard that if he "produced a 'louk lord' he would be able to ask the ghosts for lucky lottery numbers," Khamsouk added.

"Or he could sell the 'louk lord' at an extremely high price."

[Herald Sun]

Valet Villain

Next time your wife is about to give birth and you think to yourself, "ah, she can drive herself to the hospital, I'm sure they've got valet parking," think again.

A pregnant woman rushing into Lowell General Hospital’s emergency room handed her keys to a seemingly helpful man who said he was the valet and offered to park her car.

Only one problem, cops said. Lowell General doesn’t have valet service.

[...]

A man clad in what appeared to be a uniform shirt walked out of the ER as the woman arrived, claiming to be the hospital’s valet. He told her she could not park in that spot, but that he would gladly take her keys and move the car for her. Then came the bad news.

“During the admission process, she was told they don’t have a valet there,” [Lowell police Capt. Kelly] Richardson said.

[...]

The hospital is cooperating with police to try to track down the heartless con man, described only as a heavy-set white man with dark hair.

[Boston Herald]

Loyal to the Grave

The Captain hopes you have some Kleenex handy. Sniff.

A dog, "Leao", sits for a second consecutive day, next to the grave of her owner, Cristina Maria Cesario Santana, who died in the week's catastrophic landslides in Brazil, at the cemetery in Teresopolis, near Rio de Janiero, on Jan. 15. Brazilians braced for more rain Saturday, fearing further landslides after walls of muddy water tore through towns and claimed some 550 lives in the country's worst flood disaster on record.

[MSNBC]

"Sarah Palin's Comin' South to Hunt Some Skunk"

[Andrew Sullivan]

California Screwed, But Until Apocalypse It's Still Nice

If you've been reading the newspaper lately, you've seen the articles about California going broke. Of course, most Daily Downers readers just get their news here, so you don't have to read the paper (we read it for you), but in case you have read a paper lately there was probably something bad about California in it.

When I was a kid, everybody was afraid of earthquakes and people would say California was going to fall into the ocean someday. When I went to California, I thought it was so beautiful that people just made up these stories to keep guys like me out.

When you go out in California, people say "hello" to you. They do it on the street too. Bunch of freaks, right? But it's pretty cool. Hopefully they will emerge from this new onslaught intact.

Until I see the qualifications of the 100 "scientists" involved I'm going to assume that this is bunk, because everyone knows there is no such thing as global warming, except for that kook Al Gore. But Daily Downers readers can decide for themselves because that's what we're all about here. We give you the power to see right through the news, or you could just accept it at face value. I really don't care, since I'm busy getting ready for the disaster I KNOW is coming (zombies and thinking dogs).

A group of more than 100 scientists and experts say in a new report that California faces the risk of a massive "superstorm" that could flood a quarter of the state's homes and cause $300 billion to $400 billion in damage. Researchers point out that the potential scale of destruction in this storm scenario is four or five times the amount of damage that could be wrought by a major earthquake.

It sounds like the plot of an apocalyptic action movie, but scientists with the U.S. Geological Survey warned federal and state emergency officials that California's geological history shows such "superstorms" have happened in the past, and should be added to the long list of natural disasters to worry about in the Golden State.

The threat of a cataclysmic California storm has been dormant for the past 150 years. Geological Survey director Marcia K. McNutt told the New York Times that a 300-mile stretch of the Central Valley was inundated from 1861-62. The floods were so bad that the state capital had to be moved to San Francisco, and Governor Leland Stanford had to take a rowboat to his own inauguration, the report notes. Even larger storms happened in past centuries, over the dates 212, 440, 603, 1029, 1418, and 1605, according to geological evidence.

The risk is gathering momentum now, scientists say, due to rising temperatures in the atmosphere, which has generally made weather patterns more volatile.

The scientists built a model that showed a storm could last for more than 40 days and dump 10 feet of water on the state. The storm would be goaded on by an "atmospheric river" that would move water "at the same rate as 50 Mississippis discharging water into the Gulf of Mexico," according to the AP. Winds could reach 125 miles per hour, and landslides could compound the damage, the report notes.

Such a superstorm is hypothetical but not improbable, climate researchers warn. "We think this event happens once every 100 or 200 years or so, which puts it in the same category as our big San Andreas earthquakes," Geological Survey scientist Lucy Jones said in a press release.

Federal and state emergency management officials convened a conference about emergency preparations for possible superstorms last week.

[Associated Press]

Happy Blue Monday, Everyone

If you woke up this morning feeling especially gloomy, hopeless and defeated, you are not alone. Science tells us that today (the third Monday in January) is officially the most depressing day of the year! So go ahead and weep a little, it's OK.

"Blue Monday" ... is an idea coined in 2005 by psychologist Cliff Arnall, a former part-time lecturer at Cardiff University in Wales.

"I was asked a number of years ago if I could come up with what I thought was the most depressing day of the year. And I thought that was a really good challenge and I was curious to see what day that would be," Arnall told CTV's Canada AM from Brecon, Wales on Monday.

Arnall came up with a bit of a convoluted formula to show that the third Monday in January is the most depressing day of the year.

That's the day, he reasoned, when the lousy weather conspires with our holiday bills and our depression over our failed New Year's resolutions to make this day downright awful.

If the cold and cloudy weather weren't enough to make us blue, many of us are realizing today that we really couldn't afford all those things we bought ahead of Christmas. Then, there's those New Year's resolutions we made that have fallen by the wayside or been outright abandoned.

"Motivational levels also tend to be quite low at this time of year," Arnall explained. "You've got something called the ‘hibernation effect,' when people tend to be more lethargic, they eat more than they really need."

Put it all together and you've got the most depressing day of the year.

[CTV Calgary]

Fighting Fire with Bullets

Believe it or not, there are a few very rare problems that cannot be solved with an onslaught of gunfire.

NORTH KNOXVILLE - Stephen Forthman shoots first and asks questions later. He wears a shirt proudly displaying the words "I don't dial 911" next to a picture of a hand gripping a sixshooter. When it comes time to contact local emergency services for assistance, he'd rather just shoot at the problem until it goes away - even when the problem is his own home being on fire.

[...]

"At first I didn't even notice the fire," said neighbor Tricia Perkinson. "I heard gunshots coming from across the street. When I looked outside, I saw Steve in his front yard waving a gun at the house. He was yelling obscenities and just shooting. He was saying, 'You better get out of here you bleeping bleep.' I thought he had lost his mind. Then I saw the smoke."

"When we arrived at the scene, the house was completely engulfed in flames," said firefighter Daniel Cummings. "Outside, the homeowner was shouting and firing a semiautomatic pistol into the fire."

[...]

This isn't the first time Forthman has refused to dial 911. In 2004, Forthman tried to shoot himself in the torso after having chest pains. His brother-in-law wrestled a rifle away from Forthman and called an ambulance.

[FireEngineering.com]

Acid Spill Ruins Otherwise Picturesque Area

If there's one thing that always cheers me up it's a story about boatloads of acid. The human race has shown its flaws in handling almost everything, from nuclear power to oil rigs, and the thought of an accident where it's ONLY a boatload of acid is, in a way, a relief. Also the fact that it's in Germany is alright, but I bet when the acid leaks out, it goes straight down the river in a jetstream and will probably end up destroying Biloxi.

I love the part where they need an expert to explain that the acid could leak out and they actually have no control over anything. Duh hey, really governor? This Bud's for you.

But the really good part here is, it happened in a mythic place. Where the maiden of Loreley sung her song, and horny sailors plowed their ships into the rocks trying to follow it. What a bitch. Maybe the maiden still sings? And this acid boat captain heard it? Reminds me of another Zeppelin song. "Hammer of the Gods," right? Cool.

So hats off to the acid bath to come! Could have been worse.

A tanker loaded with sulfuric acid capsized on the Rhine river in Germany on Thursday, and special cranes and more than 100 rescuers struggled to right the vessel and find two crew members who remain missing.

There was no immediate word on why the ship capsized, the shipping office in Bingen said. Two other crew members were rescued from the ship, which overturned near St. Goarshausen, in western Germany, early in the day.

The 360-foot (110-meter) long tanker was carrying 2,400 tons of sulfuric acid. There were no indications that the load was leaking and initial measurements carried out downstream from the scene showed no abnormalities, the shipping office said.

Yet given the difficulty of righting the vessel, leakage of the chemicals cannot be ruled out, Kurt Beck, governor of Rhineland-Palatinate state, told reporters.
The accident happened on a picturesque stretch of the Rhine near the famed Loreley cliff, where the river runs 370 feet (113 meters) wide and 82 feet (25 meters) deep, making it one of the most dangerous bends in the river.

Legends of a beautiful maiden on the Loreley singing to sailors passing on the waters below are told to have cost countless men their lives.

[Associated Press]

Pie à la Commode

Apparently these Chinese people never got the memo that you don't shit where you eat.

Diners in China are overcoming their reservations by flocking to a new toilet-themed restaurant where business is booming.

Customers at the Modern Toilet restaurant, in Kunming, Yunnan province, eat on seats converted from toilets.

Urinals hang on the walls as decorations and signature dishes include 'excrement ice cream', 'toilet bowl hot pot' and 'fried poo sticks'.

Owner Xu Liang says the restaurant has proved more popular than expected with students, in particular, keen to try the experience.

[...]

"Sometimes unusual combinations can work. A toilet and a restaurant are complete opposites but combined together they make for a unique experience."

[Orange]

Rush Limbaugh's Billboard in Tucson

[Andrew Sullivan]

1 Million Homes Repo-ed by Banks in 2010

That's a record-breaking figure, needless to say. The good news is that's fewer foreclosed homes than we're likely to see in 2011.

NEW YORK – The bleakest year in foreclosure crisis has only just begun.

[...]

"2011 is going to be the peak," said Rick Sharga, a senior vice president at foreclosure tracker RealtyTrac Inc. The firm predicts 1.2 million homes will be repossessed this year by lenders.

The outlook comes after banks repossessed more than 1 million homes in 2010, RealtyTrac said Thursday. That marked the highest annual tally of properties lost to foreclosure on records dating back to 2005.

[...]

The pace slowed in the final two months of 2010 as banks reviewed their foreclosure processes after allegations surfaced in September that evictions were handled improperly. Under increased scrutiny by the government, lenders temporarily halted taking actions against borrowers severely behind on their payments.

However, most banks have since resumed their eviction processes, and the first quarter will likely show a rebound in foreclosure activity, Sharga said.

Foreclosures are expected to remain elevated through the year as homeowners contend with stubbornly high unemployment, tougher credit standards for refinancing and falling home values. Sharga said he expects prices to dip another 5 percent nationally before finally bottoming out. The decline will push more borrowers underwater on their mortgages. Already, about one in five homeowners with a mortgage owe more than their home is worth.

[FOX News]

Rats On a Train

[The Awl]

Your Nose Knows When It's Your Time to Go

Can't smell as well as you used to? Prepare to die.

[A] surprising study has now claimed that losing your sense of smell when you're older could mean that your time is nigh.

Scientists from Rush University Medical Center in Chicago found that the more everyday odours a person can identify, the more likely they are to be alive several years later.

The team gave more than 1,000 volunteers, aged between 53 and 100, a standard 12-item smell test.

[...]

Amazingly, they found that the risk of death was 36 per cent higher for those who only got six of the answers correct compared to those who managed to identify 11 out of 12.

[...]

Writing in January's edition of the journal Chemical Senses, Dr Wilson and his team wrote: 'The results indicate that difficulty identifying familiar odours in old age is associated with increased risk of death.'

[Daily Mail]

Ruthless Scientists Kill Penguins

And they have no intention of stopping anytime soon.

Penguins live at the bottom of the world, where scientists expect the most drastic global warming changes. As such, the waddling birds have become beacons of environmental change, so much so that they've been strapped with identification bands so climate scientists can monitor their whereabouts (and health status).

But the harm caused by this method of flipper tagging may outweigh the benefits, a new study suggests. Over a 10-year period, banded penguins produced 39 percent fewer chicks and had a survival rate that was 16 percent lower than birds without bands.

[...]

The researchers found that banding increased mortality in less-fit birds during the first 4.5 years. The banded penguins also had less time and energy to reproduce and care for their young, because they spent more time foraging and arrived more than two weeks late to breeding areas.

[...]

Wearing the equipment forces penguins to expend 24 percent more energy while swimming, an amount similar to humans running with a heavy backpack, Wilson said, referring to research he has done on captive Adelie penguins. What's more, the gear could injure the flippers and attract the attention of predators, he added.

"Although at any one moment for any one day, the impediment is perhaps not that great, if you put on a band for the animal's life, then it's carrying that cost every hour of every day, and that could come to be quite a serious cost," [Swansea University ecologist Rory] Wilson told LiveScience.

[...]

Meanwhile, thousands of penguins still carry bands, and because they’re cheap, durable and convenient, scientists may continue to use them in the future.

"The big question for scientists using flipper bands is how much and under what conditions is banding penguins justified," Wilson said. "I would say that if anyone puts bands on, there has to be a bloody good reason for it."

[LiveScience]