Your Paycheck Will Kill You

Tomorrow is the the 1st of the month and it's also a Friday, which means most the lucky few of you who have jobs are going to get paid. Woo-hoo, par-tay! Right?

Wrong.

University of Notre Dame economist William Evans studied four major demographic groups—seniors on Social Security, military personnel, families receiving tax rebate checks and recipients of Alaska’s Permanent Fund dividends—and found that mortality rates significantly increased the week after checks showed up in their mailboxes. The three causes of death with the largest increases were substance abuse, external causes (all kinds of accidents) and heart attacks.

“After getting paid, people are just more active -- they go out to dinner, head to the store, drive more, go to bars, etc.,” said Evans. “Some of this behavior is inherently risky, like drinking too much or driving drunk. Some of the activity will naturally increase risk -- if you drive more, the risk of being in a car accident has increased.”

[...]

So, do you need to be worried when payday rolls around? According to Evans, probably.

“What impressed us the most was the fact that the effect was so broad-based -- we found increases in mortality after payday for senior citizens, young people and tax payers,” he said. However, younger people, in particular, tend to have larger increases in payday mortality, as evidenced by the study’s results for the military group. You may not need to be worried, but you might want to be more careful.

[MSNBC]

The Beginnings Of A Great Idea

This is a great idea but it doesn't go far enough. What about us folks in coach? God forbid a crying baby disturbs a member of the upper crust. What about us proles?

Why are babies flying anyway? Where are they going? Babies and planes don't mix. Parents with babies should stay home with them. Period. When you have a baby, you need to resign yourself and stop bothering the rest of the world. You made a choice, deal with it, and stop subjecting me to all that noise.

The other possibility would be having flights EXCLUSIVELY for babies. So they could cry all they want and only bother each other, instead of the rest of the human race.

Bottom line is, babies are a nuisance, but they are just so damn cute and the cuteness protects them from any real objective criticism, and that just isn't fair. Kudos to Malaysia. Who knew they would be the new vanguard in common sense?

MALAYSIA Airlines is to ban babies travelling in first class on the airline's new Airbus A380 and Boeing 747-400 fleet.

The airline said they have introduced the baby ban after receiving a number of complaints about crying infants from first class passengers, the Australia Business Traveller reports.

The airline has decided not to install bassinets in the first class cabin of its Boeing 747-400 fleet.

Those wishing to travel with babies will have to book bassinets in business or economy sections instead.

Malaysia Airlines CEO Tengku Azmil told the Australia Business Traveller first-class passengers complained about spending a lot of money and not being able to sleep “due to crying infants".

[news.com.au]

Mother's Milk -- Newest Form of Weaponry

Exhibit A:

Deputies with the Delaware County sheriff's office arrived at a banquet hall early Saturday morning expecting to break up a domestic dispute. Instead, they were met by breast milk.

[...]

Witnesses and [suspect Stephanie] Robinette's husband told deputies that he and his wife were having an argument and that she struck him multiple times and then locked herself in the car. He also told them that his wife was intoxicated following a wedding they attended and started the dispute, the sheriff's office said in the news release.

The deputies said Mrs. Robinette began yelling profanities when they approached the vehicle and refused to get out. She then informed them she was a breast-feeding mother, removed her right breast from her dress and began spraying deputies and the vehicle with her breast milk, Sheriff Walter L. Davis, III said in the news release.

[...]

[Robinette] faces charges of domestic violence, assault, obstructing official business, resisting arrest and disorderly conduct.

[...]

Further investigation into the case could lead to additional charges, including harassment with a bodily substance, Davis said in the release.

"Many factors go into this, including whether deputies were actually hit with the breast milk," Davis said.

Exhibit B:

A South Carolina mother has been charged with murdering her 6-week-old daughter after traces of morphine were discovered in the mother's breast milk.

The six month investigation concluded that Stephanie Greene had been abusing painkillers prior to her daughter's death, according to police.

"She had been 'doctor shopping,' visiting different doctors, each not knowing about the other," said Master Deputy Tony Ivey of the Spartanburg County Sheriff's Office. "She was taking those drugs in such high quantities that, as a result, the daughter ingested it."

[...]

Ivey said that the coroner suggested that the lethal dose killing the infant came either through the breast milk or from intentionally placing it in the child's mouth.

"We're assuming it was through breast feeding," he said, adding that this is the first case of its kind he has ever seen.

[The Columbus Dispatch] [ABC News]

America Responds To Debt Explosion; Builds Expensive Shit We Can't Use

Recycled as what? Can they make water bottles out of this thing? It's comforting to know that some things never change. No matter how many problems we have as a nation we will also have a spare two hundred million for a military equipment boondoggle. Planes they don't need, ships they can't sail, whatever. And if you criticize it, you're un-American. So to be an American you have to be really stupid or otherwise figure out how to ignore this kind of thing.

James Bond is cool though. I liked Oddjob.

Call it a funeral at sea for the U.S. Navy's Sea Shadow. The stealth ship, which served as an inspiration for the supervillain's supervessel in the James Bond movie "Tomorrow Never Dies," is set to be dismantled and recycled.

The Navy had hoped that a private buyer would come forward and take the spy ship off its hands. Alas, there were no takers, so the bizarre black Sea Shadow is heading for the scrap heap.

Call it a funeral at sea for the U.S. Navy's Sea Shadow. The stealth ship, which served as an inspiration for the supervillain's supervessel in the James Bond movie "Tomorrow Never Dies," is set to be dismantled and recycled.

The Navy had hoped that a private buyer would come forward and take the spy ship off its hands. Alas, there were no takers, so the bizarre black Sea Shadow is heading for the scrap heap.

News of the ship's inglorious end (which is probably coming soon) inspired waves of Web searches on Yahoo!. Over the past 24 hours, online lookups for "spy ship 007" and "james bond spy boat" sailed to big gains.

The ship, which resembles a stealth fighter airplane, cost the U.S. Navy $195 million to build and operate, according the U.K.'s Daily Mail. The ship was "never intended for missions, just testing."

If you're thinking the Sea Shadow would look pretty cool in your own backyard, here are a couple of things to consider. According to Fox News, it's about 160 feet long and 70 feet wide. And it hasn't exactly been getting regular oil changes either. A Lockheed Martin spokesman told Fox that the company "hasn't had anything to do with the ship for at least four to five years"--suggesting that the new owner could well be in for some heavy maintenance work.

But all is not lost. Navy spokesman Chris Johnson told Fox that there could still be a last-second taker for the Sea Shadow. If that happens, it would be an escape worthy of 007 himself.

[yahoo! news]

Puke Art

If you think much modern art is revolting, this "work" is definitely not going to be your cup of fur.

Performance artist Millie Brown is a trailblazer in a new medium known as puke art. Her latest work, “Nexus Vomitius,” features her drinking an array of colored liquids and then throwing them up onto a canvas while accompanied by opera singers.

[The Frisky]

The Once And Future Queen

So here's Bristol Palin, she is the daughter of a failed vice presidential candidate, she's done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, no job, just nothing at all, but she's got rich parents and she'll never have to work a day in her life and she's going to write a tell all and tell us what she thinks based on having no experience whatsoever with what the typical American goes through. Least of all, the typical American teen mom.

Dig a little deeper and she talks about not knowing about wine coolers, and also does not know that having sex repeatedly will get you pregnant, and once she gets pregnant, she reveals her character judgment is awful since the guy she banged repeatedly is a total doofus. She must have thought he was cute or something right? Plus we only have her account. This is what I always tell my wife when she tells her friends bad things about me. "You picked me honey." You only make yourself look bad. Levi said they wouldn't have sex again until they were married. I guess when they "became intimate again" she was blown away by his considerable charm? She was taking birth control pills for menstrual cramps? Not for birth control? And now this brand new person with really good judgment writing a tell all? We're lucky to have her around.

But let's talk turkey. What does this reveal about Sarah Palin? What kind of mom is she? Apparently not the kind of mom that would have a frank talk with her daughter about the facts of life? Did she think her daughter would figure this out for herself? How about the alcohol chat? Doesn't the typical American parent discuss this with their kids? I know my kids practice drinking as soon as they're old enough, and this is a radical concept, but when they go out in the world they are READY! They aren't waking up in the morning wondering what happened.

I'm wondering if Sarah Palin ever talked to Bristol or if she did and Bristol is just such an uppity slag that she did it anyway. Maybe she knew she could milk it all along and she did it on purpose? Will this be revealed in Sarah Palin's tell all? How she really feels about her daughter, knowing she gets drunk on wine coolers and makes it with guys on camping trips, sans condom? No condom talk either? How about STDs? Maybe in Alaska they don't have them.

The most important question - what would it cost to get Trump and Palin to make a sex tape? I know Trump needs money.

From Levi Johnston to Meghan McCain, Bristol Palin has been put off by a lot of people.

In her memoir due out Friday, "Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far," the 20-year-old daughter of former Alaska governor/potential presidential candidate Sarah Palin reveals her true feelings about the father of her son, the daughter of her mother's 2008 running mate, and much more.

The most biting words in the book are reserved for Johnston, Palin's high school boyfriend and the father of her 2-year-old son, Tripp. Palin was drunk on wine coolers when she lost her virginity to Johnston while camping. She writes that she "didn't know that girly flavored wine coolers were just as likely to get you drunk as the hard stuff."

Palin had vowed to wait until marriage to have sex, and when she confronted Johnston about the encounter, he said they would refrain from the act until after saying their vows.

But, Palin writes, they soon became intimate again and she got pregnant with their son shortly after. She writes that she was taking birth control pills at the time to treat menstrual cramps; she went through eight home pregnancy tests before she was convinced of the positive results

Motherhood is a constant theme of Palin's book. Now, though she's made hundreds of thousands of dollars lecturing to young adults about abstinence, she relishes her maternal instincts. While visiting Haiti on a humanitarian trip with her parents, Fox News host Greta Van Susteren and the Rev. Franklin Graham, Palin offered to take home a baby reeling from Haiti's 2010 earthquake.

[abcnew.go.com]

Today's Advice To DIY Homeowners - STOP

I was cracking up reading this, looking at the numbers. This catalogues about a half a million people a year who wake up thinking "gee I'm a real man, I'll clean my own gutters," and spend the rest of the month in traction. Really I had no idea. I'm kind of a DIY guy myself, mostly because the people you hire aren't necessarily any better than you, at least at a certain level. I'm not a DIY plumber, for example. I go with a licensed guy for that. But painting, that kind of crap? Sure. It's all tied up with this stupid "being a man" thing too. Being a man gets you in trouble, period. Just a ridiculous concept altogether.

I don't use power tools very often. I have a handsaw. I like the advice about using a power saw. "Keep both feet firmly on the ground." I could never write this type of instruction because I would just ASSUME that people knew that. So I can't be a "technical writer."

If you look at the stats, everybody should stop the whole DIY thing and hire people to do absolutely everything. This would be a win-win of helping the economy and making people safer at exactly the same time.

The more I think about this, damn this is actually the best single idea I've heard (yes I heard it from myself) this year, and it really kicks the ass of every idea I've heard from any politician this year as well. It's not like I'm using this as a political platform but if any town or state wants to pay me to represent them in some unofficial capacity I'm available and you won't be sorry.

Accidents that typically send people to the emergency room involve falling off ladders, getting struck by mower debris, lacerations from a power tool or chain saw and burns or breathing difficulties caused by household chemicals. “We want to keep reminding people how easy it is to do a job right by doing it safely,” says Meri-K Appy, a safety expert with the HSC, who reminded us that June is Home Safety Month. Here are five of the most common do-it-yourself mishaps—and how to avoid them.

Climbing a ladder. Falls from ladders and stools sent over 246,733 Americans to hospital emergency rooms in 2009 (the last year for which full statistics are available) according to the Consumer Product Safety Commission. Experts from the CPSC, HSC and Consumer Reports recommend the following:

•Use the right ladder for the job. Always select a height that doesn't require you to reach up or out in a way that destabilizes the ladder; keep your belt buckle centered between the rails.
•Set up your ladder on a firm, level surface. With an extension ladder, the base should be one foot away from the wall for every four feet the ladder reaches up.
•Use your stepladder only in the open, A-shaped position and lock the spreaders.
•Don't step above the labeled maximum height. Beyond that point, the odds of an accident increase significantly.

Mowing the lawn. Lawn mower-related injuries treated in hospital emergency rooms totaled 86,000 in 2009. The most common injuries were caused by debris, such as rocks and branches, being thrown by the mower's spinning blades. Here’s what to do:

•Send the kids into the house or well away from the area you are mowing.
•Check the lawn for debris (twigs, rocks and other objects).
•Wear sturdy shoes with sure-grip soles, never sneakers, sandals or bare feet.
•Never refuel the mower when it is running or while the engine is hot.

Using power tools. Home power tools resulted in 83,204 emergency room admissions in 2009. The most common injuries involve cuts, especially to the fingers and hands. The Power Tool Institute recommends.

•Don’t wear loose clothing or jewelry that could become entangled in moving parts.
•Unplug the power cord before you change a part or do any trouble-shooting on a tool that is jammed or won't start.
•Wear safety glasses with side shields.

Working with paints and other chemicals. Accidents involving paints, solvents, lubricants and cleaning agents caused 53,907 emergency room admissions in 2009. Injuries often include chemical burns and breathing problems. Here’s how to avoid mishaps:

•Store and use pool chemicals according to the manufacturer’s directions.
•Gasoline is dangerous inside a home or garage—vapors can explode with just a tiny spark.
•Keep chemicals and cleansers in their original containers and don’t mix them.
•Wear gloves, goggles and masks if the product’s label says to do so.

Using a chain saw. Chain saw accidents sent 26,593 to the emergency room in 2009. Kickback—where the tip of the saw snaps up and back toward the user—is involved in one in four injuries. Cuts to hands, fingers, legs and feet are typical and usually require multiple stitches. Here’s how to stay safe.

•Wear eye and ear protection, gloves, tight-fitting clothing, cut-resistant leg chaps, boots, and a hard hat with a protective face screen.
•Grip the saw with both hands and keep both feet firmly on the ground.
•Saw only tree limbs you can reach from the ground while holding the saw below your shoulders.
•Avoid sawing with the tip of the chain and bar, where kickback typically occurs.

[Consumer Reports]

England Surprising World Leader In Letting Itself Go

I've never understood what there was to respect in the British way of life until now, but wow these guys are my IDOLS. Boozing it up and who gives a shit baby...yeeeeehah! Who knew the Brits, with all their royalty and pretensions, were really trailer park rednecks at heart? It just goes to show, we're more alike than different.

What's so important about seeing your penis anyway? Not that big a deal. Drinking every day and not giving a rat's ass about a pushup, these guys know how to LIVE!

The research into the health of the nation’s men revealed that of those people, 43% hadn’t seen their penis in the last two years, without looking in a mirror or bending over, whilst 16% were unable to remember the last time they saw it.

From the research of 2,000 men it was easy to see why the health of British men was in such a poor state as:

30% of men surveyed admitted to drinking alcohol three times a week

One in ten admitted to boozing on a daily basis

21% claimed they rarely pay attention to what they eat - that figure rising to 29% amongst 35-44 year old men

One in ten men never exercise

[uk.prweb.com]

Shit Sandwich

If you thought sea urchin sushi was nasty, wait until you sink your teeth into this.

This is a poopburger. As in, made from shit. I'm not even kidding, the Japanese extracted protein from human poop, mixed it with soya, added steak sauce and called it hamburger patties.

[...]

[Japanese scientist] Mitsyuki Ikeda, to his credit, created these poop burgers in an effort to be resourceful and recycle human waste. He realized if he could use "sewage mud", which is poop (you know you're in trouble when the euphemism of a word is just as bad as the word itself) and is everywhere, to formulate his burgers he could be completely efficient. Right now the burgers cost 10-20 times of regular meat because it factors in his research costs, the price will drop if there's enough demand.

[Gizmodo]

TSA Agents Keep Airports Safe From Lawbreakers

Somebody should tell these heroes that talking on cellphones is bad for their health.

[Anorak]

Eagles Join In Fruitless Quest To Save Human Race

First bees and now this. Do you see a theme people? Come on, this can't be a coincidence. First off, the eagles are unaware that the Post Office uses the eagle as a logo? You're kidding? Of COURSE they're aware. Why are they hunkering down near the Post Office? They think those people are their FRIENDS!

And they are trying to warn us! Like the bees. Remember the story about the birds and the bees? Well THIS IS IT MAN! This is it. When the birds and the bees get together, the lions lie down with the lambs and shit like that. All kinds of crazy things happen. The eagles realize without us humans, there will be no one to elevate them to greatness. They will be just one of many birds on a hopeless quest for recognition in a wasted landscape of death and destruction.

What will it take to wake up America? By the time people react and realize what is happening there will be a zombie in every pot and a chicken in every garage. TOO LATE!!!! It's time for you to get the 411 on the 911 that's coming up around 1 tomorrow. Stock up on canned food and grits. This isn't some religious kook giving you a doomsday deadline. I'm giving you a more open ended deadline. So when the end comes, whenever it is, you'll have to say "he knew, that Daily Downers guy, he was right." And I'll be dead. Man that will be great, to be so dead and yet so right.

A pair of bald eagles nesting near the Post Office in Dutch Harbor, Alaska, has taken to dive-bombing customers, in one case drawing blood, authorities said on Tuesday.

The eagles are raising newly hatched chicks for the second consecutive year in a nest on a bluff by the post office.

And for the second consecutive year, they have been trying to chase off people -- apparently unaware that the Postal Service uses a stylized eagle as its logo.

Two people were attacked last week, and one of the eagles swooped down on a patron on Monday, Alaska State Wildlife Troopers spokesman Sergeant Robin Morrisett said.

One of the eagles managed to scratch up its victim, said Morrisett, who is based on Unalaska Island. "I guess it actually drew blood," he said.

Authorities have posted signs and advised people to be careful about their surroundings, but there are no plans to move the nests or fight back against the eagles, he said.

[Reuters]

Bees Attempt To Warn Us Of Impending Doom - Human Race Considers This A Nuisance

I was lost at sea for a few days and unable to post. Thank goodness I weathered that storm. As soon as I get back I see this, yet another instance of the animal kingdom engaging in a futile attempt to alert the human race to impending doom.

Everyone knows that bees are really smart. Especially a whole swarm of them. Each individual bee may not be that bright, but the swarm as a whole has a brain to rival Einstein. So here they are, trying to alert us and we're just concerned about REMOVING them. If the bees ATTACKED, we would probably make up some story about "Africanized" Killer Bees finally getting up north, but the truth is, they would be trying to sting us into reality and awareness of the plague to come!

I say we bring in some of the talking dogs to communicate with them? Since we obviously can't understand their bee language? Maybe dolphins could help. Overall I get the message. Palin/Trump in the White House, zombie apocalypse helped by talking dogs, Chinese world domination. Do you think it's any kind of coincidence that the bees are in CHINATOWN? Come on. The signs are there. You just have to be open to seeing them.

A Chinatown street was abuzz Monday with news of a strange sort - thousands of bees descended on a block and forced the NYPD to divert traffic.

The swarm of some 15,000 bees was finally captured by an NYPD beekeeper around 5 p.m. after it perched on a streetlight. The incident took place on Mott St. between Bayard and Pell streets.

It is the latest in a spate of bee swarms to visit the city.

Two weeks ago, some bees swarmed a mailbox on Grand Street in Little Italy, DNAinfo reports. And a few days later, another swarm buzzed around a fire escape in Washington Heights.

[New York Daily News]

Machines Continue to Defeat Humans With Ease

Wondering why you're still unemployed while corporate America reaps record breaking profits? One reason is that instead of spending on workers, companies "are snatching up cheap, tax-subsidized tractors, computers and other goods."

"You don't have to train machines," as the poor, put-upon businessman quoted below keenly observes.

The Captain would like to note that you also don't have to drug-test job applicants, an onerous burden the businessman cites as one of many reasons he's loath to hire people instead of just buying more machines.

Workers are getting more expensive while equipment is getting cheaper, and the combination is encouraging companies to spend on machines rather than people.

“I want to have as few people touching our products as possible,” said Dan Mishek, managing director of Vista Technologies in Vadnais Heights, Minn. “Everything should be as automated as it can be. We just can’t afford to compete with countries like China on labor costs, especially when workers are getting even more expensive.”

[...]

“Firms are just responding to incentives,” said Dean Maki, chief United States economist at Barclays Capital. “And capital has gotten much cheaper relative to labor.”

[...]

Corporate profits, meanwhile, are at record highs, and companies are hoarding cash. Many of the companies that are considering hiring say they are scared off by the uncertain future costs of health care and other benefits. But with the blessings of their accountants, these same companies are snatching up cheap, tax-subsidized tractors, computers and other goods.

[...]

Hiring has some hidden costs, as well as the expenses of salary and benefits, Mr. Mishek added.

“I dread the process we have to go through when we want to bring somebody on,” he said. “When we have a job posting these days, we get a flurry of résumés from people who aren’t qualified at all: people with misspellings on their résumés, who have never been in the industry and want a career move from real estate or something. It’s a huge distraction to sort through all those.”

Culling the résumés takes three days. Then he must make time to interview applicants, and spend $150 for each drug test.

Once a worker is hired, that person must complete a federally mandated safety program, which Vista pays an outside contractor a flat fee of $7,000 annually to handle. Finally, Vista’s best employees spend several months training the new hire, reducing their own productivity.

“You don’t have to train machines,” Mr. Mishek observes.

[NYT]

Pick the Proper Place to Pee or Risk Impalement

"Don't piss into the wind" is sound advice for men. For most women, however, the danger of soiling oneself by choosing the wrong direction in which to urinate isn't a major concern. That doesn't mean, however, that outdoor bladder relief isn't fraught with danger for the fairer sex.

A WOMAN who impaled herself on a picket fence when she fell while urinating from an unprotected veranda has sued her former fiance for substantial damages.

In a Supreme Court writ, Michelle Egglestone of South Ballarat claims that the veranda at the house in Smythes Creek was constructed without any or with inadequate ballustrading and this caused her to fall a small distance to the star picket fence below.

Ms Egglestone, 35, sustained "penetrative injuries to the rectum, vagina and bladder necessitating surgical treatment involving laparotomy, repair of the bladder, repair of the vault of the vagina and colostomy", according to her statement of claim.

"The plaintiff sustained injury at the premises whilst she was urinating from the veranda which was inadequately lit," it says.

She had sued Leslie Furness, saying that he failed to ensure the veranda complied with the building codes, failed to ensure the star pickets underneath had protective capping to minimise the risk of anyone "coming into contact with them".

[News.com.au]

Don't Drink and Walk

Next time you're three sheets to the wind shitfaced, do the sensible thing and drive yourself home.



[The Sun]