Future Queen Sets Apocalypse Now In Motion By Refusing To Obey

There was a prophecy somewhere that if two possible future queens in a row refused to "obey" the future kings the whole world will fall apart. But I can't remember where I heard it. It might have been in a "Die Hard" movie.

I just think the whole monarchy stands on mindless tradition dating back to the days where they chopped your head off and that was it. So when they start meddling with it and these newfangled vow modifying ways I think it's a signal that the whole world is about to collapse.

Look at what could happen here. William could say, "hey Kate, I'm going out to play cards and go to a strip club with me mates" and Kate would say, "well, stuff it, if that's how it is, I'm going out with me girlfriend Shiela and we're gonna have at it with some bikers." I mean if this happens and world freedom is at stake simultaneously how can we depend on these dizzy inbred layabouts to get it together long enough to save us all?

So it's going to be Kate fails to obey, talking dogs, zombie apocalypse, Trump presidency, and finally the ultimate horror of Chinese world domination combined with all of the above. In that order.

Following in the footsteps of Princess Diana, bride-to-be Kate Middleton will exclude “obey” from her wedding vows to Prince William.

According to the Daily Mail, Middleton will instead fulfill the promise to “love, comfort, honour and keep” her spouse. Middleton, who will be the oldest royal bride in history, will take after the late Princess Diana, who bucked royal protocol when she married Prince Charles in 1981 by refusing to include “obey” in her vows. Diana, however, did not start a trend among royals. Duchess of York Sarah Ferguson and Countess of Wessex Sophie Rhys-Jones agreed to “obey” their respective royal husbands in 1986 and 1999.

Prince William and Middleton, who will tie the knot at Westminster Abbey on April 29, decided on a version of their vows weeks ago but have kept this aspect of their highly-publicized royal wedding a secret from the media.

Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams has applauded the couple for the “simple” direction they’ve taken with their ceremony.

“I’ve been very struck by the way in which William and Catherine have approached this great event,” the archbishop told the Daily Mirror. “They’ve thought through what they want for themselves, but also what they want to say. They have a very simple, very direct picture of what really matters about this event.”

[The Daily Caller]

Liberals: Not Very Good at Bumper Stickers

Conservatives deploy messages like "I'll Keep My Freedom, My Guns and My Money. You Can Keep the Change" and "My god can beat up your god" as weapons in the bumper sticker war of ideas. The Obama administration is tired of taking the beating, so they've developed this pithy laser to fire back at their adversaries:

“The project of the first two years has been to effectively deal with the legacy issues that we inherited, particularly the Iraq war, the Afghan war, and the war against Al Qaeda, while rebalancing our resources and our posture in the world,” Benjamin Rhodes, one of Obama’s deputy national-security advisers, said. “If you were to boil it all down to a bumper sticker, it’s ‘Wind down these two wars, reëstablish American standing and leadership in the world, and focus on a broader set of priorities, from Asia and the global economy to a nuclear-nonproliferation regime.’”

The umlaut in the word "reëstablish" is a nice Teutonic touch and helps remind voters who Obama's political heroes are.

[The New Yorker] via [Jonathan Chait]

Trump Extremely Proud To Be Completely Wrong

A few things of note here. This proves Trump has been completely wrong in questioning Obama's citizenship and related qualification to be President, above and beyond the fact that Obama was elected by a majority of Americans. And yet there is no apology for advancing this idiocy. He's glad to be rid of this issue? What's left for him to talk about? And look at him with this new makeover!

The real pearl though is the pledge to release his own financial and tax information, and this is what will stop the Trump train dead in its tracks. Any release of such information by Trump will expose him as a fake "billionaire" who is on TV...because he needs the money...and people believe his bullshit.

If there is a debate among a group of GOP candidates and the question is..."alright, whoever has run a few casinos into bankruptcy, raise your hand," Trump will be the only one raising his hand.

Then they could ask..."okay, who has bankrupted more than one publicly traded company?" And again Trump would be the only one raising his hand.

Finally they could ask..."right, who decided to build a third casino while the first two were going bankrupt?" There are quite a few questions like this (I can think of another 10 right now but my kids need a bath).

On the other hand, being proud while being wrong is probably going to be an extremely important quality for our next President so this will actually give him a short term boost. But no way in hell he runs and shows everyone that tax return that is missing the billions of dollars he is purported to have handy. Trump would rather be embarrassed by putting on this fake show of running to up his ratings than be embarrassed by the truth about his real financial status. Plus it's possible that Trump cannot be embarrased period. If he gets together with Palin, my dreams could still come true. Cross your fingers America.

Real estate mogul Donald Trump will honor a pledge to release his own financial and tax information if President Obama released his birth certificate "at the appropriate time," he told ABC News today.

"That's something I'd been thinking about doing anyway," he said of the recent challenge from ABC "Good Morning America" anchor George Stephanopoulos to release the personal information if Obama did the same.

A giddy Trump earlier in the day could barely wait to meet and greet the people of New Hampshire today, impressing upon a group of Portsmouth manufacturing workers the role he and his supporters believe he played in Obama's decision to release this morning his original, long-form birth certificate.

"Oh, by the way, I don't know if you heard? Did you hear?" Trump asked Wilcox Industries Corp. employees in reference to the birth records.

"I am so proud of myself. I got this guy to release his birth certificate. I'm really, really happy," Trump told the employees before a lunch-time New Hampshire Republican Party fundraiser in downtown Portsmouth.

Wilcox Industries makes night-vision goggles and other tactical products for the Pentagon.

Trump, 64, also condemned in the sharpest possible words Obama's fiscal policies and the country's economic competitiveness with China. "China is raping this country," he told the Wilcox employees.

But the "birther" issue was uppermost on Trump's mind when he touched down in New Hampshire earlier today in a helicopter bearing his name, immediately claiming credit for forcing Obama to release his birth certificate.

"I am really honored, frankly, to have played such a big role in hopefully, hopefully, getting rid of this issue," Trump told reporters, his helicopter sitting behind him at the Portsmouth airport.

He said he still wants to see the birth certificate, released while he was en route to New Hampshire, but now wants to talk about weightier issues such as oil prices.

[ABC News]

News Flash - Wealthy Celebrities Without Real Jobs Have Feelings Too

Here's another example of the world bringing a celebrity down for no good reason. I read that the Kardashian empire brought in $65 million last year, selling self-tanners, candles, clothes, perfume, and bottled water. Now you would think "man if I could get a taste of all that money for doing nothing that would be great."

Think again. Khloe's MOM is telling her she's fat and this is bringing the empire down. Now I will say this, Khloe is not FAT. The real issue, and this is probably what Momma K CAN'T say, is that Kim is totally hot and next to HER you look bad. But standing there by herself, whether she's your cup of tea or not, she's not exactly FAT. So that's just mean spirited, and you and I don't have to put up with that in our regular old boring ass jobs. The grass is not always greener.

It's funny that when you decide to put EVERYTHING out there, including your sex and baby planning, you can still be sensitive. It is kind of weird to see Khloe reacting to this, because if you're on TV or in the media 24 hours a day, you have to expect SOME negativity. It's not like everyone on Planet Earth is going to say "you look great and I hope you and Lamar both really get off good tonight and have a nice baby too." I mean there's jealousy, human nature, radiation all over Japan and lots of other struggles in the world, so I don't have THAT much time to worry about the Kardashians, but Khloe still needs to toughen up a bit and also she needs to accept that even if she dropped herself in a vat of acid and started from scratch she's still going to look like a guy next to Kim.

KHLOE Kardashian is fed up with the jibes about her weight! “I always get comments on my weight,” says Khloe. “[People want] me to be a [certain] size. I am a size six, and in the normal world, that is not fat—but to Hollywood, sometimes being a six is way too big. But when the world literally gets on you every single day and tells you, ‘You’re fat, you’re fat, you’re fat,’ eventually you are going to break and agree.”

“The reason why I blew up was because my mom told me that I am too fat and that I am ruining what we all worked for. We have a brand, QuickTrim and this and that—and that I am ruining all of the that single-handedly. To have that pressure and to have someone tell you that, I snap and I break down and I cry.

“My weight has been a struggle for me my entire life, and I know it will always be a struggle for me, but I try to be healthy, diet and exercise as best as I could. Everyone falls off every now and then, but I am trying to live a healthy life and do what is best for me.”

Recent reports claimed Khloe and her husband, sportsman Lamar Odom, have been syncing up their sex schedule in the hopes of speeding up the baby-making process.

“They’re scheduling time to be together when Khloe’s cycle is right, greatly increasing their chances of conceiving,” an insider told America’s Life & Style magazine.

“And her family has been pressuring her to get pregnant.”

[ShowBiz Spy]

Jealous World Never Tires Of Seeing Beautiful People Run Down

It's unreal, how you can't just be yourself. The machine gets ahold of you, and that's it. Just like "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest." The Combine. I hope her lawyer can win this one on appeal. Look at her! Why would she steal the necklace? The owners probably just forgot that they agreed she could have it. So stupid.

Envy is a sin. Everybody knows that. It's in the Bible. For Easter, I just hope that Lindsay can rise again, like a phoenix from the ashes...like...you know who! Alright? If she's going to have to keep going to jail at least let's get a show or a movie out of it. A new sequel in the "Penitentiary" series is due!

The first step of recovery is acceptance.

Hollywood trainwreck Lindsay Lohan is frustrated about being sentenced to 120 days in the slammer but is prepared to pay the price, pals say.

"She is ready to do her time," friend Nathan Folks told People. "She wants to go to A.A. and N.A. and to serve [more than] 400 hours [of community service]. She has already been doing lots of charity work."

Another pal told TMZ.com that the deeply troubled starlet was "blindsided" by a judge's decision Friday to send her to jail and do 480 hours of community service for violating her probation.

Lohan's fourth trip to jail was postponed after her lawyer appealed the decision.

The "Herbie Fully Loaded" star landed back in hot water after being accused of walking out of a Los Angeles jewelry shop with a $2,500 necklace she hadn't paid for.

Lohan insists that she thought the store's owners agreed to loan her the necklace.

[NY Daily News]

Possible Lack Of Hell Continues To Cause Uproar Among True Believers And Others

Game theorists. Is that a real job? "I'm a game theorist." Seems incredible to me. I think religious belief, like many things, may evolve over time. But really this particular thing is messing with the brand a little too much for my taste.

For one thing, hell is kind of COOL. Hell has inspired some great art. You have to look no further than a local tattoo parlor to see how cool hell is. I was so close to getting a tattoo the other day, it was a naked woman with horns and flames coming out of her mouth, like a dragon. Man. I might go back and get one like this picture up here. That's what you'd expect to see in hell. And you wouldn't mind seeing it for a day!

In a way the Christian religion is set up like this already, because apparently you can live your life the way you want and fuck everybody over, but at the last minute the priest can come to your bed and you say "I believe in Jesus" and the priest says "okay, you're in" and that's it. So I don't know how much of a difference hell makes for Christians anyway, unless they die by surprise and a priest is not around.

There are other great things about this article, especially how much thought they are bringing to bear on something that is essentially un-knowable for mankind. And how they are trying to make the whole thing into a business analogy, so it has nothing to do with any kind of sincere belief, but cold calculation, like a man trying to decide whether to take a hit on a hand of blackjack. Religion has always been making something up to explain what no one can ever know. That's the whole fun of it. Some good stories and pictures. If only some people didn't get so carried away.

There are more reasons than mere theology why Evangelical Christian leaders are raising Cain over the message now being wholesaled by the Rev. Rob Bell of Mars Hill Bible Church, featured in TIME's current cover story, "What If There's No Hell?" Bell's I'm-O.K.-you're-O.K., we're-not-going-to-hell-today spin is not merely a refutation of a basic belief. If this piece of theological reordering takes hold, it's the Evangelicals' business plan that's going to hell.

Fire and brimstone has been one of the Evangelicals' main product lines. It's based on a zero-sum outcome: heaven or hell. Believe or perish. And part of the deal, at least in practical application, is that you can't get spiritually right without monetarily supporting the church. Pay to play, in other words. It's the same with most religions. No one says so in those crude terms - it's all about the mission - but a sales pitch is a sales pitch, even one accompanied by a choir. You can't build the Crystal Cathedral on prayer alone. There's a mortgage to pay.

And contributing money is a perfectly reasonable investment for the faithful. You may not be able to pay your way into heaven (sorry hedge funders), but you can help build the pathway on earth. Corporations like to measure return on equity, usually expressed as ROE. But you could say that church donations offer a different kind of ROE: return on eternity. And they're tax deductible to boot.

But what happens if Bell is right? Is it possible that the return on eternity on these contributions has dropped compared with other spiritual investments? For instance, maybe there's a bigger ROE in giving to the poor or volunteering for Habitat for Humanity. Tithing your church may be too much of an investment risk if the returns are less certain.

French mathematician Blaise Pascal famously pondered ROE in the spiritual-investment quandary called Pascal's Wager. It's an exercise in game theory. A rationalist, Pascal thought about how he might bet against God's very existence and behave accordingly: more rosÉ, fewer rosaries. But he also knew that had he pursued a hedonistic lifestyle and God existed, a negative outcome would ensue. And he'd be totally, eternally screwed. Better to believe, he reasoned. In Pascal's logic, the rational spiritual investor becomes risk averse and spends a big chunk of the portfolio with God. Pascal, in other words, recommended that you hedge your spiritual investment.

Preacher Bell is now positing that the endgame is different. If, in mathematical terms, you assign a zero probability that hell exists, then the rational spiritual investor reduces his exposure, since the expected ROE has been declined. "What do you give up?" asks Yale University professor Keith Chen, a game-theory expert. What's relevant in game theory is the difference between the good and bad outcomes. "If the idea is everybody goes to heaven and everybody enjoys the same privileges, then it unwinds Pascal's Wager," he says.

But both Chen and another game theorist at Yale, Barry Nalebuff, immediately posed another possibility: Is there a nonhell that's still not heaven? (Bell even suggests as much.) If there is heaven and a not-so-good nonhell, there's still a wager, although the spiritual investor might adjust it. Say, by moving it to a church like Bell's. Says Nalebuff: "The trick is, what's the cost of leaving? In my view he brings down the cost of leaving." In this view, Pascal's Wager is more like playing the lottery, says Nalebuff. If you win, heaven is the prize. If you don't, it's just a couple of spiritual bucks lost.

The adverse reaction to Bell's hell among some Evangelical leaders is based first on deeply held belief, not economic consequences. But it should really put the fear of God in their accountants. There are plenty of other reasons to invest in your church other than buying eternity insurance. There's the spiritual fulfillment that faith can bring, the sense of community, the built-in support group for when you need it most. Even those awful church suppers. But these are not the zero-sum, repent-or-burn outcomes that have underwritten the business so effectively over the years. Indeed, there's no hell to pay anymore.

[TIME]

Texas Governor Orders Texans to Perform Statewide Raindance

While it is commonplace for supporters of New York's National League baseball team to pray for rain in the rare instances their favorite team has a lead after 5 innings, the Captain is surprised to see the governor of Texas sinking to the level of hopeless Mets fans.

Texas is so parched that Gov. Rick Perry has taken an unusual step: He’s ordered up, by proclamation, a weekend of prayer.

“WHEREAS, the state of Texas is in the midst of an exceptional drought, with some parts of the state receiving no significant rainfall for almost three months, matching rainfall deficit records dating back to the 1930s,” the proclamation begins.

It concludes by proclaiming “the three-day period from Friday, April 22, 2011, to Sunday, April 24, 2011, as Days of Prayer for Rain in the State of Texas. I urge Texans of all faiths and traditions to offer prayers on that day for the healing of our land, the rebuilding of our communities and the restoration of our normal and robust way of life.”

[Washington Wire]

Spoons Get in Your Eyes

Apparently this uncle didn't cry "uncle!" in time to stop his spoon-wielding nephew. Now he'll never cry again.

MOBILE, Alabama -- A judge denied bail today for a Prichard man accused of gouging out his uncle’s eyeballs with a spoon.

Timayo Knight, 31, appeared briefly before District Judge Michael McMaken, who refused to set a bail.

[...]

Prichard police were called to the 300 block of Bronner Street on Monday evening and found 79-year-old Bonnie Pogue bleeding from his face. Investigators later found Pogue’s eyeballs in a trashcan and a bloody spoon on a kitchen counter, according to police, and Knight was still inside the house.

[...]

Assistant District Attorney Jo Beth Murphree said Knight lived at the house with his uncle, and there was no evidence that Knight was using illegal drugs at the time.

The Captain thinks it's fair to infer that if Mr. Knight had been using illegal drugs at the time, this heinous crime could have been prevented.

[AL.com]

Jealous Network Bigwigs Question Trump Presidential Run

This is getting ugly now. Donald Trump's candidacy is a "stunt?" He's out in front! If the primaries were held today we'd be looking at the Trump/Palin ticket all the way.

He thinks he is presidential. What does that mean exactly? There are times I feel presidential and then there are times I don't.

Trump is going to announce the date he's going to announce whether he's running or not soon. And that's that. I think it's going to be great either way. He will either say "no, I'm not running," and look like a douchebag, or he will run and that will be blog heaven for us all.

Think Donald Trump's proposed presidential run is nothing more than a stunt?

So does NBC, home of the real estate mogul's hit show "Celebrity Apprentice."

An executive at the network told Entertainment Weekly on Tuesday that no one is falling for Trump's much-rumored 2012 campaign.

"We at the network have no idea whether Trump is serious about [running for president] or not," the executive, who asked to remain anonymous, told EW. "He won't tell even us - and we haven't pushed because we've just decided it is whatever it is. If he wants to spout off about things, we're happy to let him. But our inclination is that he's not serious about running for president. We think it's a stunt."

Trump has refused to say whether he will actually throw his hat into the ring as a Republican candidate next year, but his repeated hints about a possible campaign catapulted him into the lead in a recent poll of GOP primary candidates. The billionaire is expected to announce on the May 22 season finale of "Apprentice" the specific date when he will finally reveal whether or not he is running for office.

Television insiders believe Trump continues to fuel rumors of his presidential run to drive up ratings of his reality show.

Ratings for "Apprentice" are up as much as 20% this season, according to EW, and the show has nearly doubled its numbers from last season, now averaging almost 8 millions viewers an episode.

Trump, who has said the country can expect his decision by early June, told NBC he won't be signing a 3-year extension on the reality series until he officially decides his political future – which he remains optimistic about.

"I think I am presidential," he said on Tuesday's "Today" show.

[NY Daily News]

Obama Birth Mystery Solved As GOP Reveals His Parents Were Chimps

Now this is a good one. The explanation and apology are actually better than the original email. This Davenport lady is saying that sending this photo is not meant to “intentionally harm or berate others?” You’re saying the President of the United States is a fucking chimp, no? That's not "berating" the guy? I'd hate to see what she would do if she WAS berating him.

Then Davenport “simply found it amusing” regarding Obama’s character and “all the questions surrounding his origin of birth.” So Obama’s character is chimp-like? I would love to ask this woman some questions. What specific attributes are there in Obama’s character that remind you of chimps you have observed? And those pesky questions about his “origin of birth.” I didn’t realize these questions revolved around his parents actually being apes? I thought it was about the LOCATION of his birth. I also love how it doesn't occur to her that Obama was actually elected President and a lot of people voted for him, so how would THEY feel about seeing him portrayed as a chimp? That's a POSITIVE image, right? I love how the person that wrote this article has no problem saying flat out, "the racist email." There are some people that understand these things.

Finally, as classic apologies go this is kind of weak as the woman really believes she’s being picked on and a few jerks are turning this into a race thing. And she’s going to get even (HUNT DOWN!) with the person that forwarded it, exposing her to ridicule as a complete idiot. The problem isn't that she wrote the email in the first place, the problem is that some "coward" let the rest of the world in on it. That’s the main thing. And since she’s determined that Obama is only “half black” this OBVIOUSLY is not about race. If he was 100% black forget about it.

Isn't that what this is ultimately all about? They can't say "I don't like Obama because he's black," so they have to say something else? I'd have to say sending around a photo of him as a baby chimp is pretty close to saying "I don't like him because he's black," but it's not EXACTLY the same. The baby chimp photo thing is a little more creative, but the connection is definitely there. Let me know if I'm wrong on this.

This is the level of political "debate" in this country. This picture right here. "He's a CHIMP, get it? Har har har." Politicians will never learn. You can’t have fun once you’re elected. You have to keep a lid on this kind of thing. But it’s hard because that PhotoShop is just INCREDIBLE!

The California Republican who e-mailed a racist "family photo" of President Obama because she thought it was funny offered up a second, less defiant apology Monday.

Marilyn Davenport did not say sorry not in person, but through a statement read to the Orange County Republican Central Committee by fellow member Tim Whitacre. Davenport said she didn't show up at the committee meeting because she feared for her life.

"To my fellow Americans and to everyone else who has seen this e-mail I forwarded and was offended by my action, I humbly apologize and ask for your forgiveness of my unwise behavior," the 74-year-old wrote.

"I say unwise because at the time I received and forwarded the e-mail, I didn't stop to think about the historic implications and other examples of how this could be offensive," Davenport said.

"I would never do anything to intentionally harm or berate others regardless of ethnicity," she said in her apology. "Everyone who knows me knows that to be true."

The racist e-mail, which the elected GOP official sent out to dozens of friends and fellow Republicans on Friday, featured Obama as a baby chimpanzee with two chimpanzee parents.

Davenport stated Saturday she would "NOT resign." Her second apology made no mention of whether she would stay or go.

Not everyone on the Republican committee feels she should step down.
"It was a private e-mail from her private house to some private friends," Whitacre told ABC 7 News in Los Angeles. "She thought she was doing something quietly among some folks that might have found some humor in it as well."

State law prevents Davenport from being forcibly removed from her elected post.

The more humble tone in her second mea culpa comes in stark contrast to her half-hearted apology on Saturday.

Davenport told the Orange Country Weekly that she was "sorry if my email offended anyone," but that she "simply found it amusing regarding the character of Obama and all the questions surrounding his origin of birth."

"The thought never entered my mind until one or two other people tried to make this about race," she wrote in her Saturday e-mail, and referred to Obama as being only "half black."

Davenport then accused the media of "making much ado about nothing," and indicated she would hunt down the "cowardly" person who leaked the contents of the e-mail.

[NY Daily News]

American Parents No Longer Responsible For Teaching Basic Things In Life

No more Happy Meals? You're kidding! Come on. McDonald's "unfairly uses toys?" Everyone unfairly uses toys to get kids to do what they want. This is just unbelievable.

It's a big downer trend that parents seem unable to parent. If we as a society are expecting corporations to watch out for our kids and sports stars to be role models we are in bad shape. My child rearing is based on telling my kids the truth. Everybody is out to screw you and you better watch out. And those clowns on TV could give a shit about you.

Your kid asks you for a Happy Meal, you can go, but you can't go every freakin' day! That's all. What's so hard about that? These people are pathetic. Leave Ronnie McD alone! God knows I have needed Macky D's on many late nights and I am grateful that I live in a country where I can straighten myself out and chow down in friendly parking lots from Philly all the way to LA. Macky D's is about more than kids, and this will hurt their ability to serve the rest of America, so these guys need to back the f*** up.

Will America heed my wake up call?!? And start parenting again? I doubt it. Bastards.

A lawsuit that seeks to stop McDonald's from selling Happy Meals must be dismissed because parents can always prohibit their children from eating them, the hamburger giant said in a court filing.

The lawsuit claims McDonald's unfairly uses toys to lure children into its restaurants. The plaintiff, Monet Parham, a Sacramento, Calif. mother of two, claims the company's advertising violates California consumer protection laws.

The Happy Meal has been a huge hit for McDonald's -- making the company one of the world's largest toy distributors -- and spawning me-too offerings at most other fast-food chains.

But lately it also has come under fire from public health officials, parents and lawmakers who are frustrated with rising childhood obesity rates and weak anti-obesity efforts from restaurant operators, which are largely self-regulated.

[Reuters]

Mad Scramble For The Poor As The Rich Continue To Coast

Now these are the "super rich." Not the average rich. The super ones. They make so much money and pay no taxes. Do they not drive the same roads? Do they not cross the same bridges? Do they not ponder the same mysteries of life? It makes you wonder if everything is set up fair and square.

If I'm reading this right, the super rich are paying 17% tax now, and they were paying 26% about 20 years ago. How did that happen? Why are they paying less? I could see them paying the SAME, but why LESS? What's going on? Marvin Gaye sang that song. Peoples.

Well I still have not filed so good luck to all of you as the slide continues... Weeeehah!

As millions of procrastinators scramble to meet Monday's tax filing deadline, ponder this: The super rich pay a lot less taxes than they did a couple of decades ago, and nearly half of U.S. households pay no income taxes at all.

The Internal Revenue Service tracks the tax returns with the 400 highest adjusted gross incomes each year. The average income on those returns in 2007, the latest year for IRS data, was nearly $345 million. Their average federal income tax rate was 17 percent, down from 26 percent in 1992.

Over the same period, the average federal income tax rate for all taxpayers declined to 9.3 percent from 9.9 percent.

The top income tax rate is 35 percent, so how can people who make so much pay so little in taxes? The nation's tax laws are packed with breaks for people at every income level. There are breaks for having children, paying a mortgage, going to college, and even for paying other taxes. Plus, the top rate on capital gains is only 15 percent.

There are so many breaks that 45 percent of U.S. households will pay no federal income tax for 2010, according to estimates by the Tax Policy Center, a Washington think tank.

[Associated Press]

Trump Builds Presidential Bid On Solid Support From "The Blacks"

I'm a little behind on this story from Thursday but there's a good reason for that. It's because the Trump bid for President is starting to barrel along like a runaway freight train and I can't catch up! I understand Trump is the LEADING candidate among Republican hopefuls. Is that unpossible or what?

Since my dream of a Trump/Palin ticket may come true, I'm moving onto my next dream, where Trump and Palin divorce their respective spouses after winning the election and marry each other! So for the first time in history a married couple will live in the White House as President and Vice President of the United States. How AWESOME would that be? For a country that like to say "awesome" a lot! You'd have to invent a new word to describe "awesome" if that happened.

Among "the blacks" that I know, Trump is indeed THE MAN. I got a picture up here to prove it. The blacks worship Trump. Forget hip hop. A lot of black churches in New York have his picture on the wall next to Jesus. That's the problem with the mainstream media. If you read that crap, you would never imagine how solid the Trump/blacks bond is. So I'm glad that this information is finally coming out to the general public. When James Brown used to say he was "Soul Brother #1," who did you think was "Soul Brother #2?" Donald Fucking Trump baby. Can you dig it? Number two. Whoop, there it is!

Donald Trump unleashed more withering scorn for President Obama Thursday - but insisted it had nothing to do with race because he has a "great relationship with the blacks."

Trump said he was dismayed by Obama's strong support within the African-American community.

"I know many Obama supporters," Trump said on Albany's Talk 1300 radio. "I have a great relationship with the blacks but unfortunately the poll numbers that you cite are very, very frightening numbers."

Trump also said that he loves the Tea Party and would want to run for President on the Republican ticket, but had unabashed praise for newly-elected Democratic Gov. Andrew Cuomo.

"I think he is doing terrific job, setting a great example. He's doing it with style and with class and I'm very proud of him."

Trump's threat of a presidential run has been largely built around him loudly trumpeting discredited theories about Obama's origins, but he appears to be trying to broaden his message.

"I look at the country. It's never been worse. It's run at a level that I've never seen anything like it. This is Jimmy Carter-esqe. I'm very seriously considering running and I'll make my decision sometime prior to June," he said.

Trump said he was looking forward to speaking at a Tea Party rally in Florida this weekend and said the rise of the group was a great thing for America.

"I'm big fan of the Tea Party because I really think they've provided a great service. It made people understand what is going on. It made people open their eyes," he said.

[NY Daily News]

Hottest Porn Ever!

Burning with desire has its drawbacks.

SAN FRANCISCO (CBS 5) — A man was hospitalized Wednesday evening with life-threatening, third-degree burns after somehow catching fire inside a San Francisco porn store, authorities told CBS 5.

[...]

Police officers across the street from the porn shop saw a man run out the front door of the store “engulfed in flames,” SFPD Lt. Troy Dangerfield said.

[...]

Arson investigators said it was not exactly clear how the man caught fire. Police indicated he had apparently been watching videos in a private booth at the adult arcade when the fire ignited.

The man, whose name has not been released, was being treated at St. Francis Memorial Hospital for severe burns over 90% of his body.

[CBS San Francisco]

Sometimes the Key to Life is a Key to the Front Door

At least this woman was on the ball enough to remember her cellphone even though she forgot her keys. Too bad she didn't use it to call a locksmith.

LEBANON – Just minutes before Esther Kline became wedged in a narrow basement window Tuesday and died, she sent her husband a text: “I wish the spare key was here.”

[...]

A combination of unlikely circumstances led to the 44-year-old woman’s death.

A larger basement window Kline had climbed through when she was locked out a previous time had been covered over by the extension of a deck and the addition of a bathroom downstairs.

A spare key usually hidden in the garage was no longer in its place. A relative hadn’t returned it from a month ago.

Neighbors would not have heard Kline’s cries for help. A six-foot privacy fence surrounds the back yard.

[...]

Kline’s husband, David, reported the discovery of her body about 6 p.m. Tuesday after he returned home from a two-day business trip for his job with the federal government.

He told police that he responded to his wife’s 8:20 a.m. text about a half hour later but never received a reply. That leads police to believe that she died soon after she sent her last text.

[Cincinnati.com]

Leading Actress Is Great At Just About Everything

It's hard to hate someone who suggests cutting the richness of a bread pudding with a mimosa? Are you kidding? A mimosa would RUIN bread pudding you ignorant clod! Look at this picture. The way she looks at her own feet. I know she's an artist but this mimosa thing is just plain wrong.

But seriously, since Gwyneth Paltrow is an actress with a lot of money that qualifies her as an expert on just about everything in American life. This is American royalty. When you think of accomplishment in this country, you think "actress," not "doctor." And look at these mean spirited reviews! If you can act you can cook. It's that simple. If my wife made me dinner and Gwyneth Paltrow made me dinner at the same time I would throw my wife's dinner on the floor and eat what Gwyneth made, even if I didn't like it. When opportunity knocks I am home.

Gwyneth Paltrow has a whole lifestyle, and it's documented on her website, which I think is called "Goop." If you are really rich and can afford an army of nannies when you need to work or just get away for a few days and can buy and do whatever you like, this is the place for you. I don't get it though, because if you've reached that level where Gwyneth Paltrow is, why do you need "advice?" And if you haven't reached that point you can't afford to follow the advice anyway. So it just seems silly.

Look at this party! Jay-Z. Jerry S. Mrs. Jerry S. Man. What a life.

But I don't quite understand how being an actress qualifies her for a COOKBOOK. Next up maybe she'll tell us how to take a really proper shit.

Actress Gwyneth Paltrow's Cookbook "My Father's Daughter" which is dedicated to her late father has received some mixed reviews. Gwyneth Paltrow celebrated the launch of her cookbook with a lavish party inviting her Hollywood friends. According to LA Times, Gwyneth's husband Chris Martin, Jay-Z, Beyonce, Jerry Seinfeld and Martha Stewart were all on hand for the celebration.

While Gwyneth had a huge bash, her cookbook has been subjected to a slew of mixed reviews.

Eater.com called it “a vanity project from a rich person completely unafraid to casually boast about her life of privilege” and compiled a list of their favorite lines from the book — lines described as “unintentionally very funny.”

While writer Heather Horn says, "The inescapable sense one gets when paging through the book—when not wondering how many different whites and pastels Paltrow can possibly own, and whether she has ever entered a climate that got below 60 degrees—is that it was put together by someone who really does love food and cooking. It's hard to hate someone who suggests cutting the richness of a bread pudding with a mimosa."

[dime wars]

6 Year Old Poet Realizes the World Just Doesn't Care

[Reddit.com]

It's All Over Now, Baby Blue

Sorry mates, I was lost at sea and could not post. I was walking along by the East River minding my own business, and there was a long line of people waiting to get into a job fair at the South Street Seaport, and suddenly the line got startled and backed up right into me and I was pitched into the briny deep!

It took me three days on a diet of soup and nuts but I was finally rescued by a garbage scow and I was lucky to get that smelly ride my buckos.

This, if I don't mind saying so myself, is a stupendous link. How may working people got a 12% raise last year? I mean COME ON! This is totally nuts. They are preaching to us about how things are bad but at the top, limos and and coke and hookers galore. But hey, maybe these guys are really worth it. I certainly have not risen to that level and I have only myself to blame. I should be on top but I'm not.

Plus, if you follow the link and these yahoo! things on yahoo! finance, one of the guys who is talking here on the video is Henry Blodget. Henry Blodget is a guy who told people stocks were great, and then joked around with his pals in emails (good government evidence) that they were headed for a fall. Henry is BANNED from the securities business, and here he is, talking about it on yahoo! like a righteous and respectable guy. You know who's a respectable guy? Me! Heney Blodget is a fucking snake, and this is good free advice. Disgrazia.

I don't want you to think this rant is sour grapes cause it's not. Alright it is sour grapes, but it's justified. Alright, it's not justified but something is still out of whack here, you know what I mean? Man.

Life is good at the top of corporate America. CEO pay rose 12% last year, bringing the average compensation to $9.6 million in 2010, based on a report and study done by NY Times. That's definitely a lot of money at a time when middle class wages haven't increased for a generation and unemployment remains near 9%.

The highest paid CEO in the U.S. last year was Viacom's Phillipe Dauman who raked in $84.5 million, thanks to one-time stock awards. Ray Irani of Occidental Petroleum follows on the list with $76.1 million, a 142% pay increase over 2009. Oracle's Larry Ellison, who was displaced at the top of the list this year, took a pay cut but still brought home $70.1 million. (He also remains the third-richest American, with a net worth of $39.5 billion, according to the Forbes annual list of billionaires.)

Other notables on the list include:
John Lundgren, Stanley Black & Decker, $32.6 million.
Brian Roberts, Comcast, $28.2 million
Robert Iger, Walt Disney, $28 million
Alan Mulally, Ford Motor, $26.5 million
Samuel Palmisano, IBM, $25.2 million

[yahoo! finance]

Go To The Beach And Find Your Fortune

Maybe it's all just a game, and we're all pawns in the whole thing. That's what I've always thought. Now it turns out to be true. Mother Nature just flips everything over.

Question is, does Mother Nature do this because she is pissed off about the corruption and horror of mankind, or is it just a bitchy thing where she would flip the whole world over anyway, just to be a bitch.

I haven't got it figured out yet. Would you choose to be there in Japan, with the safes washing up in the radioactive water, where you could have a few good years and then die a slow and painful death, or would you choose to be here in the USA, where you could be crushed to death by boredom and indifference? Pick your poison MFs!!!!

There are no cars inside the parking garage at Ofunato police headquarters. Instead, hundreds of dented metal safes, swept out of homes and businesses by last month's tsunami, crowd the long rectangular building.

Any one could hold someone's life savings.

Safes are washing up along the tsunami-battered coast, and police are trying to find their owners -- a unique problem in a country where many people, especially the elderly, still stash their cash at home. By one estimate, some $350 billion worth of yen doesn't circulate.

There's even a term for this hidden money in Japanese, "tansu yokin." Or literally, "wardrobe savings."

So the massive post-tsunami cleanup under way along hundreds of miles (kilometers) of Japan's ravaged northeastern coast involves the delicate business of separating junk from valuables. As workers and residents pick through the wreckage, they are increasingly stumbling upon cash and locked safes.

[Associated Press]

Japanese Nuclear Crisis Is A Downer On Many Levels

You know these Japanese people are good at math and science so if they can't figure out how to fix this, it must be pretty bad. The annoying issues and problems with nuclear power have never been addressed, like disposing of radioactive waste, etc., and that's when things go WELL. When things go badly, it's clear we are at the mercy of all those tiny atoms, and when all of them get together and go bad, it's a great big mess.

But here in the States, there's a lot of - "aw shucks, we had this whole thing licked and now everybody's gonna slow down on nukes." The facts in this article make it clear that nobody really knows how this will be resolved. But this would have no impact on the people that want to build US nukes. Maybe they are right. There may never be a problem.

That's the problem with so much "planning," you plan for everything to go wrong! Let's just plan for everything to go RIGHT for a change. Huh Gloomy Gus? Come on. There's nothing to be learned from this Japan thing. Bunch of worrywart pansies hold everything up here and ruin it for the rest of us. So there's the downer of this nuclear disaster and then there's the other downer of the worrywarts screwing us. Double downer.

Once Japan's leaky nuclear complex stops spewing radiation and its reactors cool down, making the site safe and removing the ruined equipment is going to be a messy ordeal that could take decades and cost hundreds of millions of dollars.

Radiation has covered the area around the Fukushima Dai-ichi plant and blanketed parts of the complex, making the job of "decommissioning" the plant — rendering it safe so it doesn't threaten public health and the environment — a bigger task than usual.

Toshiba Corp., which supplied four of Fukushima's six reactors, including two on which General Electric Co. collaborated, submitted a roadmap this past week to the plant's operator for decommissioning the crippled reactors. The study, done with three other companies, projects that it would take about 10 years to remove the fuel rods and the reactors and contain other radioactivity at the site, said Keisuke Omori of Toshiba.

That timeline is far faster than those for other nuclear accidents and contains a big caveat: The reactors must first be stabilized and cooled, goals that have eluded emergency teams struggling with cascading problems in the month since the devastating tsunami damaged their cooling systems. Omori said the extent of damage to the reactors and other problems still need to be assessed.

[Associated Press]

Mississippi Republicans Not Feeling the Love for Interracial Marriage

The Captain supposes it should come as no surprise that Republicans from a state who wants to produce commemorative license plates honoring the founder of the KKK hold this sentiment, but he can't help but feel more than a little shocked by this poll.

We asked voters on this poll whether they think interracial marriage should be legal or illegal- 46% of Mississippi Republicans said it should be illegal to just 40% who think it should be legal. For the most part there aren't any huge divides in how voters view the [presidential] candidates or who they support for the nomination based on their attitudes about interracial marriage but there are a few exceptions.

Palin's net favorability with folks who think interracial marriage should be illegal (+55 at 74/19) is 17 points higher than it is with folks who think interracial marriage should be legal (+38 at 64/26.)

[Public Policy Poling]

Unemployed Between Ages Of 45 and 54 Must Accept Agony Of Defeat

I love where it says "...and may never be able to in their chosen fields." As in...work. In their chosen fields. Imagine if you couldn't play baseball anymore and all those baseball players had to get real jobs. Man that's a scary thought. What would they do? They might form gangs or go pirate. Who knows.

If you are 45 and 54 you are too cool for school. The world has passed you by, but you would still demand too much money, even if Superman came back and spun the world backwards to reverse time and save Lois Lane, so there's nothing we can do.

Knowing that there's nothing we can do, it's still not very comforting. You would think knowing how things will turn out would give you a sense of relief but it doesn't. You know you're doomed and it just pisses you off. These people will just have to lower their prices or jump on the scrap heap of history. Or just walk into the scrap heap. I don't know how that works.

Jobs are back. Just not for everybody.

Like many other things in the stutter-step economic recovery, the job market is finally recovering, but progress is uneven and some people are being left out. The latest jobs report, for example, shows that the economy created 216,000 jobs in March, for a total of about 1.9 million new jobs since employment levels bottomed out at the end of 2009. That's a healthy pace of job growth that will help bring down the uncomfortably high unemployment rate, and, with luck, cement the recovery.

But digging into the numbers reveals some of the unusual ways that work and retirement may be permanently changing for millions of Americans. Most of the new jobs created since the end of 2009, for one thing, are going to workers under the age of 34, or over the age of 55. Employment levels for middle-aged workers, meanwhile, are stagnant or still falling.

The overall job market is clearly healing, but middle-aged workers aren't part of the revival. Workers between the ages of 45 and 54 are still losing jobs on net, with a decline of about 364,000 jobs in this age group so far this year. That seems remarkable--and worrisome--given that these are people in their prime earning years, and they also ought to be at peak levels of expertise in their fields or careers. Yet they're not yet participating in the jobs recovery, perhaps because their pay requirements are too high in an economy where employers still aren't willing to bring back the most expensive workers. Many are most likely middle managers whose ranks were severely thinned during the recession, or construction and manufacturing workers who still can't find work, and may never be able to in their current fields.

[U.S. News]

Bristol Palin Well Paid To Tell Others Not To Do What She's Already Done

This is interesting to me, because my kids LOVE it when they can catch me in hypocrisy. I tell them not to smoke, and then they see me smoke, and the next thing I know my 8 year old daughter is puffing on a cigar.

"Why can't I smoke? YOU smoke dad!"

I tell them not to drink. They see me passed out and next thing I know they are drinking.

"Why can't I drink? YOU drink dad!"

So what the hell is so effective about seeing this Bristol Palin kid telling teens not have sex?

"I had sex and I'm telling you it was GREAT! But you guys should not even try it."

Does this make sense? She makes more money than I make in six years saying things that every kid knows is bullshit from the word go. How many teenage girls have rich and famous parents and get paid six figures for dancing on TV and telling people not to have sex after banging her boyfriend silly? Is this USEFUL advice for a typical teen? How many kids are going to be able to cash out six figures on this kind of thing? Will this kid EVER have a REAL job? If they are looking for someone to "courageously" pick up a check like this they should call me. I'm as courageous as they come.

As for this survey of 1,000 teens, even if the Palin spots were "more powerful and attention getting," does that mean the kids were not going to have sex? Come on. If these 1,000 teens were anything like my kids, they tell you exactly what they think you want to hear and then go out and drink, smoke and have sex, sometimes all at the same time.

Then when they get home, you say "WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?"

And they say "out."

Bristol Palin was paid more than $260,500 advocating against teen pregnancy in 2009, tax documents released on Tuesday show.

Palin, the 20-year-old daughter of former Alaska governor and 2008 vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin, earned $262,500 for her work advocating that teens abstain from sex, according to information posted on the Internet by GuideStar, which monitors the finances of nonprofit groups.

The Candie's Foundation, a nonprofit organization that seeks to raise awareness of teen pregnancy and parenting issues, reported Bristol Palin's earnings to the Internal Revenue Service.

"We know that Ms. Palin's work has had a positive effect on creating awareness about teen pregnancy," Ali Tyrangel, a spokeswoman for the foundation, said in a statement.

Tyrangel said an independent survey of 1,000 teens comparing Bristol Palin public-service announcements with those of another organization using non-famous teens found that the Palin spots were much more powerful and attention-getting.

"Bristol Palin has been a courageous and powerful partner to the Foundation as we attempt to discourage teen pregnancy," she said.

Representatives for Candie's and Bristol Palin could not immediately be reached for comment.

Bristol Palin, then 18, was pregnant during the 2008 presidential campaign and her son was born in the month after the election. She and the boy's father, Levi Johnston, had a much-publicized breakup.

[Reuters]

Planet Earth To Human Race - Pick Your Poison

Now this sucks. I love sushi. What a blow. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not making fun of this, I'm totally serious. Is it possible that the "Godzilla" movies were preparing us for invasion by fire breathing dinosaurs? Like all the zombie movies are getting us ready for the zombie invasion? It sure seems like this is something that could develop...like film...developing into radiation, and mutation, and finally, whammo, Godzilla. Amazing how they could have known.

It says in this article, "most experts agree" that this whole thing will blow over. But what do the OTHER experts say? The ones that are not MOST experts? Do you ever stop to think about that? Read between the lines man.

My concern is, what will come first? Zombies or Godzilla? And what would be worse? Would it matter? Crushed beneath the feet of a giant lizard or eaten alive by ghouls? I would say if Godzilla could really crush you flat with one good shot I'd rather have that than be eaten. But that's just me.

Also want to add, I never believed that King Kong could beat Godzilla, like what happened in that movie. That would be next to impossible in real life.

Fishermen who lost their homes and boats in Japan's tsunami now fear radioactive water that had been gushing into the Pacific Ocean from a crippled nuclear plant could cost them their livelihoods.

The contaminated water raised concerns about the safety of seafood in the country that gave the world sushi, prompting the government to set limits for the first time on the amount of radiation permitted in fish.

Authorities insisted the radioactive water would dissipate and posed no immediate threat to sea creatures or people who might eat them. Most experts agreed.

Still, Japanese officials adopted the new standards as a precaution. And the mere suggestion that seafood from Japan could be at any risk stirred worries throughout the fishing industry.

"Even if the government says the fish is safe, people won't want to buy seafood from Fukushima," says Ichiro Yamagata, a fisherman who lived in the shadow of the Fukushima Dai-ichi plant. "We probably can't fish there for several years."

Fukushima is not a major fishing region, and no fishing is allowed in the direct vicinity of the plant. But experts estimate the coastal areas hit by the massive wave account for about a fifth of Japan's annual catch.

[Associated Press]

Unemployed People Rejoice, McJobs to the Rescue!

If you're one of the 13.5 bazillion Americans out of work, your ship is about to pull in.

America's insatiable appetite for deep fried animal byproducts and 97 ounce containers of fizzy corn syrup water have Golden Arches staying open through the wee hours of the night nationwide. Those ground up chicken beaks can't fry themselves into delicious McNuggets, they need your help.

McDonald’s (MCD) plans to hold its first national hiring day April 19 to fill 50,000 jobs at its restaurants nationwide.

The company says it is making a concerted effort to add staff as its business improves and more of its restaurants stay open 24 hours a day.

[...]

Turnover slowed the past few years because of the weak economy, the company says. McDonald’s sees this event as an opportunity to attract employees in a tough job market.

It is also trying to shed the negative connotation of employment at the fast-food chain, once dubbed “McJobs.” McDonald’s says about half of the company’s franchise owners and more than 75% of its managers started in entry-level jobs at McDonald’s.

“A McJob is one with career growth and endless possibilities,” the company said.

McDonald’s held a similar event in its Western region last year. More than 60,000 people applied for 13,000 jobs.

[USA Today]

American Colleges Still Lead The Way In Global Moron Production

Do kids really need to be told to "party?" How valuable is this advice? I can understand paying Snooki to speak at Rutgers, but ultimately, for me, a letdown. I was hoping for something about Schopenhauer or maybe the dialectic between man and machine. "Party hard." Almost anyone could say that. Telling college students to party is like telling fish to swim.

But check this out. Toni Morrison has been writing books for 40 years. Do you know how many books she's written? Twenty. I counted. Fiction, non-fiction, plays, kids books. Twenty. That's one book every two years. Now don't get me wrong, she's won seventeen major book awards, so when she writes a book, it's GOOD, but still, not really that much work. And they aren't books like Stephen King writes, that you could use to safely absorb a subway stabbing, like a thousand pager, they are generally shorter books.

Snooki has to go to work every day, or at least every week, so I guess the typical Rutgers student really might get more out of Snooki's hard working TV type career advice than Toni Morrison's I'll-write-a-book-when-I-feel-up-to-it award winner type advice. Plus Snooki gets hassled by the man, she's not living this academic limousine lifestyle. Either way Rutgers could have saved money because a lot of smart people are slumming right now and would speak for food. I'd even pay them to speak because these kids would not be willing to listen to the heavy truth I would lay out there but I feel like it's my resposibility to tell them what I know, and I would pay to do that. Next year I'm going to call them.

The pouf is mightier than the pen when it comes to speaking fees at New Jersey's largest university.

The Rutgers University Programming Association paid Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi of the reality TV show "Jersey Shore" $32,000 Thursday to dish on her hairstyle, fist pumps, as well as the GTL — gym, tanning, laundry — lifestyle.

That's $2,000 more than the $30,000 the university is paying Nobel-winning novelist Toni Morrison to deliver Rutgers' commencement address in May.

Money for Polizzi's appearance came from the mandatory student activity fee.

Freshman Adham Abdel-Raouf told The Star-Ledger of Newark he thought the price was a bargain given Snooki's popularity. Another freshman, Dan Oliveto, said it was a waste of money.

Snooki's advice to students: "Study hard, but party harder."

[Associated Press]

German Easter Bunnies Get Whacked, Children Sob

Apparently Germans are so upset about not being able to eat their radioactive boars for Easter dinner that they're turning to pet rabbits.

CHILDREN learning about Stone Age man in a German classroom ended up in tears and one fainted when their teacher killed two rabbits in front of their eyes with a hammer.

"They didn't have a supermarket to go to," he told the 10 and 11-year-olds at the Cesar-Klein-School in Ratekau in northern Germany. "So this is how they did it."

The teacher then grilled the rabbits - formerly petting zoo inhabitants that the children were encouraged to stroke to 'bond' with - and made the children eat bits of them.

[...]

[N]o disciplinary action has been taken against the killer teacher.

[German Herald]

German Feast Ruined As Radiation Lingers On

Just so you know the glass is half full, how great is it that those oil spills are under control? That whole BP mess is gone, everything that's ever been spilled in Alaska is gone. It's all good now. There may be some oil on the bottom of the ocean, but hey, let's just leave it alone and we'll be fine.

This radiation on the other hand is a headache. These poor Germans still can't eat those wild boars. They LOVE those things. This is like the equivalent of Americans not being able to watch baseball.

Some days I just get so bummed out I can't go on. I'm thinking of starting a business to ship some pure wild boars over there to bail them Germans out. A few bad apples doesn't mean they are all bad.

For a look at just how long radioactivity can hang around, consider Germany's wild boars.

A quarter century after the Chernobyl nuclear disaster in the Soviet Union carried a cloud of radiation across Europe, these animals are radioactive enough that people are urged not to eat them. And the mushrooms the pigs dine on aren't fit for consumption either.

Germany's experience shows what could await Japan — if the problems at the Fukushima Dai-ichi plant get any worse.

The German boars roam in forests nearly 950 miles (1,500 kilometers ) from Chernobyl. Yet, the amount of radioactive cesium-137 within their tissue often registers dozens of times beyond the recommended limit for consumption and thousands of times above normal.

"We still feel the consequences of Chernobyl's fallout here," said Christian Kueppers, a radiation expert at Germany's Institute for Applied Ecology in Freiburg.

[Associated Press]

Kill a Baby Chick, Raise Your On Base Percentage

It's early spring, that wonderful part of year when we think of Easter and the beginning of baseball season. What better way to celebrate this happy time than by smashing baby chicks with a baseball bat?

It makes perfect sense -- if you're striking out too much, it must be the Baseball Gods' fault, not your own. The only sensible thing to do if you suck at baseball is to murder baby chicks, since everyone knows that's how you appease the Baseball Gods.

Ronald Raygun understood this type of thinking very well. If you have a lot of struggling poor people and government revenues are too low, the thing to do is cut taxes on the wealthy. This will magically increase government revenues and trickle down riches on the poor like a golden rain shower. His Voodoo Economics worked like a charm, so there's every reason to expect Voodoo Moneyball to be just as successful.

BENBROOK, Texas —
Police in the Dallas area are investigating whether two high school baseball players sacrificed chickens in a bid to improve their games.

Police in Benbrook, Texas, say a 15- and 16-year-old "engaged in acts that caused the death of two baby chickens. It appears that superstition relating to a slump in baseball performance could have played a part."

Western Hills High School baseball coach Bobby McIntire says he has not had a chance to talk to the students about why they did it. He told the Fort Worth Star-Telegram that "baseball is very superstitious" and the idea possibly came from movies they say.

School officials say the boys have been kicked off the team.

[Seattle Times]