Er-Ah, Stoned Again!

See my entry on this from a week or two ago. Her whole damn family got involved in a PR campaign saying there were NO DRUGS OR ALCOHOL involved. Well guess what? That's called LYING. Now we're up to "there were no OTHER drugs or alcohol" involved. Next she'll have her whole family challenging the fact that Ambien is actually a drug.

Basically this ditz is so out of it she doesn't know what she's taking, then she says she might have taken the wrong thing, then she didn't take anything, and THEN she gave a whole diatribe about her doctor telling her it was probably a seizure from an old head injury. Usually when I get caught and I'm stoned I say "the jig is up." Not Ms. Richie Rich. Anything but taking responsibility for driving around stoned and not knowing what she's doing. She's a MENACE II SOCIETY.

I am getting a head injury just reading through this crap. They need to put her UNDER the jail. She tried to get this case decided in the press, and drum up sympathy for herself, and NOW WHAT? Hey she was on drugs. The cop and the truck driver were right. She was STONED OFF HER ASS. What a SHOCK! A KENNEDY, stoned. Who could believe that?

If I got in this mess they would be working on seizing my car and busting my chops nine ways to Sunday. I will hold my breath and wait for her to own up to her bullshit. I wonder if she's going to try to stick with the head injury story in light of the blood test that shows she was STONED OFF HER ASS. I could type that all day.

STONED OFF HER ASS. Man that feels good.

Kerry Kennedy had a generic version of the potent prescription sleep aid Ambien in her system after she struck a tractor-trailer while driving erratically on a Westchester County highway this month, court papers filed on Wednesday said.

Final toxicology results showed that no other drugs or alcohol were in Ms. Kennedy’s blood or urine, a deposition submitted to the court by prosecutors said.

Ms. Kennedy, the former wife of Gov. Andrew M. Cuomo, had told the police after she had been stopped that she takes the drug Synthroid every morning at 7:30 for a thyroid condition, and on occasion, she takes Ambien to help her sleep.

She is facing a misdemeanor charge of driving with ability impaired by drugs and has pleaded not guilty.

Ms. Kennedy was arrested on July 13 after she swerved into a tractor-trailer on Interstate 684 and continued driving, exiting the highway just after 8 a.m. Officer Joel Thomas of the North Castle police found a dazed and disoriented Ms. Kennedy behind the wheel of her damaged 2008 Lexus, with the engine running and a flat tire. A witness reported that Ms. Kennedy left the accident scene, court papers said.

Officer Thomas said Ms. Kennedy was “swaying” and exhibited impaired speech. She told the police she felt dizzy and had no memory of a collision, court documents show.

Zolpidem, a hypnotic and sedative class drug prescribed by physicians to treat temporary insomnia, has been known to cause strange, though rare, side effects. The reported problems include sleepwalking, short-term amnesia and “sleep-driving” — driving while not fully awake, according to a guide approved by the Food and Drug Administration.

Ms. Kennedy told the officer that the two medications were “next to each other on her counter, and it is possible she took the sleep medication instead of the thyroid medication,” according to the papers filed by the Westchester district attorney, Janet DiFiore.

The toxicology tests, administered nearly five hours after the accident, showed that Ms. Kennedy, 52, had evidence of zolpidem, the chemical found in Ambien and other sleep aids, in her system.

The amount of zolpidem detected in Ms. Kennedy’s blood — 14 nanograms per milliliter — is low, said David M. Benjamin, a clinical pharmacologist and forensic toxicologist based in Massachusetts. Dr. Benjamin said it would be difficult, based on the level alone, to pinpoint when she took the zolpidem.

Ms. Kennedy had also made the suggestion, based on neurological testing performed by her own doctors, that the collision resulted from a possible partial seizure caused by a long-ago head injury.

[New York Times]

Skip To The Next One

This is one thing I've always loved about the car business. They live in the future. There's a very simple reason for this. You can go over to a Ford dealer and buy a 2013 Ford Escape right now, and drive it over to your friend's house and show off.

"Lookee here. I got the NEW Ford Escape. 2013 model. It's great. I'm AHEAD OF THE CURVE. I'm into next year's model already. Yeeeee-hah!"

Three points. Number one, it's an aptly named car. It's called an Escape because you need to know how to get the fuck out of there when it catches on fire.

And two, now that they've screwed up the 2013 version, why don't they just press on with their marketing? Ford should just SKIP 2013 and move ahead and start making 2014 Ford Escapes, and the idiots that buy them now can feel even MORE ahead of the curve and increase their bragging rights. If there are indeed any bragging rights involved in buying a car that is spontaneously combustible.

Third, finally, this isn't even the first recall of these rolling bombs. They don't brake either, the carpet gets in the way. It's an UNSTOPPABLE rolling bomb. More like a military assault vehicle of some kind as opposed to a wholesome SUV that transports a family while destroying what remains of our atmosphere. What's a catchy slogan for all this? "American engineering - second to all."

Ford Motor Co. is telling owners of one version of the brand-new Ford Escape not to drive the SUVs until dealers can fix fuel lines that can crack and spill gasoline, causing engine fires.

The company issued the unusual warning on Thursday and said it is recalling 2013 Escapes equipped with 1.6-liter four-cylinder engines. Dealers will pick up the Escapes and drop off a loaner car that customers can use until the repairs are finished. The company is hoping to ship parts and get all the SUVs repaired in the next two weeks.

Ford says it has three reports of fires: two at the factory and one while a customer was driving an Escape. No one has been injured.

The recall affects 11,500 Escapes in the U.S. and Canada. Only 4,800 have been sold to customers. The rest are on dealer lots and will be fixed before they are sold, spokeswoman Marcey Zwiebel said. "We are obviously taking very quick action in the interest of our customers' safety," she said.

Escapes powered by other engines are not affected, nor are other Ford models with 1.6-liter engines, Zwiebel said.

This is the second recall of the redesigned Escape, which went on sale in June. On Saturday, the company said it would recall more than 10,000 Escapes to fix carpet padding that could interfere with braking. Problems often crop up when new vehicles are introduced, even though automakers have improved quality in recent years.

The new Escape is among Ford's top-selling vehicles. People bought 28,500 last month, up 28 percent from June 2011.

[Associated Press]

Er Ah, Oops

Good to know that she wasn't messed up on alcohol or drugs, but what are the other alternative explanations? She may have taken Ambien. She doesn't know if that's what she took. So she wakes up in the morning and she doesn't know what pill she's taking and she took the wrong one and drove into a truck and then drove away. Hmmmmm. Well what a RELIEF that she wasn't on alcohol or drugs. Some people would say Ambien is a drug? But her family says there were no drugs or alcohol WHATSOVER in her system. Does her family know more than she does about what she's doing? SHE said she may have taken Ambien. We're up to toxicology now and we'll see where that goes. Maybe her family keeps her locked up and when she gets out she makes up stories about taking Ambien? That could be it.

According to the doctor quoted below by the time they tested her the Ambien could have been totally out of her system so we'll never know.

What if she didn't take any Ambien and she's just a bad driver? What if she didn't take any Ambien and she was pissed and decided to hit the truck on purpose? This could be the perfect cover story for a female suburban Rambo, wreaking havoc on the highways in a reincarnation of Thelma from "Thelma and Louise." In the end of the movie they drove the car into a canyon and they both probably died.

I wonder how the truck driver feels reading this. "Oh, Ambien. I understand. Be careful now, y'hear! Get along little doggies." Probably just a nice benevolent guy.

In my time I've seen so many of these Kennedys arrested it's not even news anymore. Getting arrested is like a rite of passage for these people, and I've never heard of ANY of them going to jail. If I got caught in a bind like this I don't think my family would be issuing any supporting statements. I'm just an average Joe. With a lower overall family percentage arrest rate than the Kennedys, who are rich and have every advantage in life. There I said it.

New questions are being raised about the sleeping pill Ambien after Kerry Kennedy, the ex-wife of New York Governor Andrew Cuomo, may have been under the influence of the sleeping aid when she was involved in a crash with a tractor-trailer on a New York highway and left the scene.

Kennedy was arrested and charged with driving while impaired Friday. She is due in court Tuesday.

ABC News has learned that Kennedy told police she may have taken Ambien sometime Friday morning, but doesn't remember for sure. But her family said in a statement released to ABC News that there were no drugs involved.

"Kerry Kennedy voluntarily took breathalyzer, blood and urine tests -- all of which showed no drugs or alcohol whatsoever in her system. The charges were filed before the test results were available," the Kennedy family said in a statement released Friday.

The results of Kennedy's toxicology tests are still pending. But legal analysts say whatever they show could play a big role in her defense.

"Ambien has a short half life, so by the time she went to the hospital and by the time her blood was analyzed, the drug actually could have disappeared from her system," criminal defense attorney Dana Cole said.

There have been previous complaints about Ambien lulling people into trance-like state.

Last year, 60 million Americans were prescribed a sleeping aid.

But for a drug that's supposed to help you sleep, it's amazing how active you can be and not know it.

There are numerous claims of "sleep driving" by people who took the drug.

A woman learned she was "sleep cooking" and even fried an egg, while another woman woke up and found out she wasn't even home.

Kerry Kennedy's cousin, former Rhode Island Rep. Patrick Kennedy crashed into a barrier near Capitol Hill, saying he had been disoriented after taking Ambien.

The details of Friday's accident don't fit Kennedy's public image -- a mother of three who has no known history of substance abuse.

"I seriously doubt that she'll be looking at any jail. She's looking at a fine and probably some sort of drug or alcohol program that she'll need to attend," Cole said.

[ABC News]

Nobody Goes There Anymore, It's Too Crowded

This is a great statement on America. McDonald's finished last in customer satisfaction based on this survey. They serve 68 million customers a day. What's wrong with this picture? Is it masochism? Americans flock to places they hate? Are we a country of whiners? What would happen if the customer satisfaction score went down and the number of customers went up? Would they invest money in improving their facilities and service or would they release a swarm of cockroaches to piss people off even more? It's almost a reverse marketing model.

I think McDonald's is doing well because people are going broke and Macky Ds is the best they can do. As long as America keeps failing their business should be good. They could probably increase profits by NOT spending the $1.5 billion on WiFi and this other crap. Just hire some recently laid off surly types and they're all set.

Over the past two years McDonald's stock has jumped from $70 to $90 a share. The message from Wall Street to McDonald's management is clear, "everything you're doing is just great. Screw 'em." In a related note, ALL of my kids hate clowns, and they love McDonald's anyway. People love...what they hate! Clear as mud.

Guess many McDonald's customers aren't lovin' it. McDonald's finished last in a ranking of its restaurant peers in a report released Tuesday by the American Consumer Satisfaction Index (ACSI). Fast food restaurants Papa John's, Subway and Taco Bell all scored better than the burger giant. Among restaurants specializing in burgers, Wendy's led the pack, followed by Burger King.

The ranking isn't new territory for McDonald's, which serves 68 million customers per day. Except for 2009, when McDonald's edged ahead of of KFC and Burger King by a percentage point, McDonald's has consistently placed last in the ranking since 1995.

But Mickey D's is steadily improving. Its 73 percent satisfaction score in 2012 is a substantial gain from its all-time low of 59 percent in 2000.

McDonald's issued a statement in response to the findings: "At McDonald’s, customer satisfaction has, and continues to be, a top priority. We take all customer feedback seriously. Our internal and third-party research shows that we continue to make progress in satisfying our customers. Business results also reinforce this. In fact, the producers of the American Customer Satisfaction index said that McDonald’s customer satisfaction is at an all-time high. Still, we know we can do more by continuing to offer our customers great value, menu variety and a positive service experience every time they visit our restaurants.”

The company plans to spend $1.5 billion this year to make over its restaurants with more comfortable seating, WiFi, and McTV, reports Forbes. Recent menu changes have included smoothies, oatmeal, and bakery items. In May, McDonald's announced plans to stop buying pork from farms using gestation stalls that confine animals during the breeding and post-birth processes, a move the Humane Society of the United States considered a victory. And there is, of course, their latest claim that nothing on the menu is "unhealthy."

[Shine from yahoo!]

Shame Is In The Eye Of The Beholder

First off, how can a guy who has a hairdo like this talk about anyone else being ashamed?

It's a shame Trump didn't run, because then people would have a reason to listen to The Braying Oracle and really evaluate what he said. As it stands, I can't understand why his opinion has any value whatsoever. Without Palin he's nothing.

Trump is also oblivious to the fact that he's insulting most of America and its government. The Health Care bill passed through the legislature, and now it's survived the challenge to its legality or Constitution-ality or whatever, and these guys are still beefing and crying. If the Republicans are re-energized by this, good for them! If you re-energize an idiot you have a re-generized idiot. I'm looking forward to seeing that.

Why should Trump care about this? He has all the health insurance he needs. Does he look in the mirror? That should be more of a priority. A guy who has run casinos into bankruptcy is calling Judge Roberts a dummy. Fix your hair! OMG!

Mitt Romney will benefit from the Supreme Court health-care ruling, though Chief Justice John Roberts should be "ashamed" of his role in the decision, businessman Donald Trump told CNBC.

The conservative jurist provided the deciding vote in a 5-4 ruling that said the health-care plan's individual mandate, which requires Americans to have health insurance, passed constitutional muster.

While the decision allows the Affordable Care Act to go into law, Trump said the ultimate winner could be President Barack Obama's Republican challenger Romney.

"This was a big one," Trump said during his weekly "Squawk Box" appearance Tuesday. "This energized the Republican Party like never before. I think it's going to maybe elect Mitt Romney."

As for Roberts, who ruled with the majority that the individual mandate is constitutional so long as it's considered a tax rather than a penalty, Trump had harsh words.

"John Roberts should be ashamed of himself," he said. "He's looking like a dummy. His decision was not written by the supposedly smart man he is .... The decision makes no sense."

Trump speculated that Roberts sided with the court's liberal justices in an effort to appease the Washington establishment by giving "a Georgetown-type of opinion."

"Now they love him in Washington," Trump said. "That's probably what he wanted. I think that's the sole reason he did it."

[CNBC]

Innocent But Still Guilty

I've been away at sea for awhile and had to take a break from posting while dodging garbage in the South Pacific. I love this story. Clemens had a teammate, Andy Petitte, who testified that he took steroids using the guy Clemens used as a trainer. The trainer testified that he gave Clemens steroids. He also testified that he gave steroids and HGH to Clemens' wife. But Clemens claims that while all these people around him were using performance enhancing drugs he was not using them.

Clemens has a reputation as a fierce competitor. One example of this was his confrontation with Mike Piazza. In retrospect this looks like a classic case of 'roid rage, but since he wasn't actually taking anything we'd have to draw another conclusion and just say he's an asshole.

But the jury must be correct, right? I heard a story that Mrs. Clemens had a bad reaction to an injection and Clemens said "it will pass" and told her to lay down. Now if MY wife said she took a performance enhancing drug and had a bad reaction I would take her to the hospital. Strikes me that a guy who reacts the way Clemens did has some familiarity with the drug, and that gives him the confidence to bat his wife away like a pesky fly instead of taking her to the emergency room.

But what do I know? Everybody else using drugs, but Clemens...NOT using drugs. I suppose this is a logical conclusion because in America even though you are plainly guilty if a jury says you're innocent that's the end of it. If they could acquit the cops for beating Rodney King after seeing that video this should come as no surprise.

O Happy Day.

A jury acquitted Major League Baseball pitching great Roger Clemens on Monday of all six criminal counts against him in a trial on charges that he lied to Congress when he denied using performance-enhancing drugs.

Clemens, dressed in a beige suit, blue shirt and tie, showed little emotion as the verdict was read, but choked up during brief comments after he emerged from the federal courthouse in Washington.

"It has been a hard five years," Clemens said, as he thanked his wife, family and teammates. "I put a lot of hard work into that career. I appreciate my teammates that came in and all the emails and phone calls from my teammates."

Jurors deliberated for a total of about 10 hours before coming to a decision. The verdict was another setback for prosecutors who insisted on pursuing the case even after their first effort ended in a mistrial.

One of the greatest pitchers in baseball history, Clemens was charged with one count of obstruction of Congress, three counts of making a false statement and two counts of perjury. He did not take the stand in his own defense during the two-month trial.

If convicted, Clemens would have faced a maximum prison term of 30 years, though under federal sentencing guidelines he most likely would have received 15 to 21 months.

[Reuters]

Nothing To Fear But Burning Yourself To Death

I found this interesting because the reaction of the Chinese government is to DETAIN these people. Now if they are willing to set themselves on fire, what impact do they think detaining them will have? What's a little detention versus being willing to burn yourself to death?

Also interesting that these "self immolators" are being called terrorists. I'm not sure suicide equates to terrorism, but I'd like to review this equation with the Chinese security officials if they are available for comment.

Finally, is this an effective form of protest? Why don't the Chinese just ignore it? If enough of them set themselves on fire there's really nothing more to worry about. If I have a problem and I set myself on fire that's pretty much the end of it, right? It's a problem that's solves itself. Obviously there's something about setting yourself on fire that disturbs the Chinese. Whatever problems you have they want you to deal with it straight up and not light yourself on fire. They must think this has symbolic value and will galvanize the world to sympathize with the Tibetans. Maybe the problem with the Chinese is that they don't watch enough TV and they don't realize that most people are incapable of any kind of galvaniz-ation or anything beyond going to work and complaining. Americans might be better equipped to take this kind of thing in stride.

Hundreds of Tibetans in Lhasa have been detained by Chinese security officers after two self-immolation protests against Chinese rule over Tibet, a U.S.-broadcaster said, stoking concerns of spreading unrest among Tibetans in China.

On Sunday, two Tibetan men set themselves on fire in Lhasa, state news agency Xinhua said, the first time in four years of a major Tibetan protest against Chinese rule. One of the men died.

China has branded the self-immolators "terrorists" and criminals and has blamed exiled Tibetans and the exiled Tibetan spiritual leader, the Dalai Lama, for inciting them.

At least 35 Tibetans have set themselves on fire since March 2011 in protest against China's six-decade rule over Tibet, according to Tibetan rights groups. At least 27 have died.

[Reuters]

And So It Begins

As long time fans (fan?) of this website know, we have been predicting the zombie apocalypse since we started posting here a few years ago. I actually waited a few days on this one, and I had to contact all of my friends (friend?) in Miami to get the local story. I had a feeling the "official" story would be a load of crap. Sure enough the police and government officials are already engaged in a cover up. Typically I don't write about stories where someone actually dies. That's usually Captain Bringdown's (semi-retired) beat. But since this one confirms Daily Downers as the "go to" blog/site for accurate predictions on our dismal future I have no choice but to cover this one.

This story talks about LSD, and other stories have talked about other drugs like "bath salts." Stuff I've never heard of. Come on. Here's a picture of a guy on LSD. These guys don't eat other people. They just don't. A little music on a sunny day in Miami and this guy is looking at a butterfly for six hours and playing an air raid guitar solo. If drugs made you do this don't you think this would've happened already?

I'll tell you what else is great, if you go to this link there's a video, and before the video there's a commercial for mayonnaise or something. So for some people this story is an opportunity. Eat food and not people. A solid message.

This face eating guy either became a zombie in some way we don't know about or more likely escaped from a government lab or island where they keep the zombies. Like they keep the aliens in the desert in Roswell, NM. Now we know that one of those islands off the Florida coast is probably a full fledged zombie campground. The first thing I'm trying to figure out is what is the bigger threat? Zombies or aliens? I'm going to go with zombies. The aliens probably have advanced weapons to vaporize us. Relatively painless. The zombie thing is going to hurt. Badly. Buy water, food and guns. You're welcome.

A naked man was shot dead by Miami police as he chewed at the face of another naked man. The circumstances of the horrific attack are still unknown – and the victim remains in hospital with grave injuries. The gruesome drama unfolded on Saturday off the city's MacArthur Causeway, with the aftermath captured on film by a Miami Herald surveillance camera.

Witness Larry Vega told WSVN-Fox 7 he saw a man biting the victim’s face.

He said: “I told him to get off and the other guy just kept eating the other guy away.”

The cyclist notified police, who ordered the man to stop. Vega added: “The guy just stood, his head up like that, with pieces of flesh in his mouth. And he growled.” The officer fired, but the man continued to chew, prompting him to continue shooting, eventually killing him. Police say the attacker may have been suffering from a drug-induced mania which causes the body to heat up, causing some users to strip off, the Miami Herald reported.

Armando Aguilar of the Miami Fraternal Order of Police suggested the drug may have been a new form of LSD. He told NBC 6: "Seventy-five to 80 percent of his face was missing, and he was actually swallowing pieces of the man's face."

[Huffington Post]

Oh Whoop De Doo For You Mr. Mountain Climber

Bunch of egomaniacs.

"Climb every mountain,
sing every song."

Give me a break. O look at me, I climbed Mount Everest. Big deal! Who cares? Last week a whole bunch of people went up there and died. This week, there's a whole new crowd. Now you could say, "wow, these guys are just adventure hungry madmen. Cool!" Or you could say, "these guys are idiots." Guess what I would say. Correct! Look at this guy. Outside climbing a mountain. Boy that looks like fun eh? Morons.

Stay home. Mow your lawn. Between that and driving this weekend that's enough danger for me.

Scores of climbers were headed for the summit of Mount Everest on Friday in what is expected to another busy weekend on the top of the world.

Last weekend, four climbers died on their way down from the summit amid a traffic jam of more than 200 people scrambling to conquer the world's highest peak as the weather worsened. A similar crowd is expected this weekend, but there have been no reports of climbers in trouble and the weather is good.

Gyanendra Shrestha, an official with Nepal's Tourism Ministry, said he had reports that 82 climbers reached the 8,850-meter (29,035-foot) summit on Friday morning.

Shrestha, who is at the base camp, said 120 climbers started the last phase of the climb on Thursday night but not all of them reached the summit. He said it was normal for some of the climbers to quit at the last treacherous part of the climb for various reasons.

There were still more climbers expected to try to reach the summit on Saturday — probably the last day of this climbing season.

"This is the last chance for climbers to attempt to reach the summit. If they can't, then there is not going to be another opportunity this season," another official Mohan Krishna Sapkota said.

[Associated Press]

It's Just Impossible To Express Yourself Anymore

They make this sound so wrong. You have a problem with your neighbor. If you go postal or yell at them it's awkward. Leaving poop in the mailbox, it can give someone pause, a little time for reflection.

"What could I have done to deserve this?"

And maybe the neighbor says,

"Yeah I have been a bad neighbor lately, maybe I should change my ways. Someone is obviously pissed off at me."

But now in these politically correct times, these time tested means of diplomacy between neighbors can no longer be used by sensible people everywhere. And then they put the video on youtube! So the bad neighbor wins, since you can see below that they have engaged in malicious rumor mongering, and the good neighbor suffers for the use of some extra excrement. Is our world getting better? With this Big Brother surveillance cutting us off from a common sense response to neighborly abuse? I think not.

The former president of CNN's Headline News almost found himself in deep doo-doo after he was caught on camera placing a bag filled with dog excrement in a neighbor's mailbox last week.

Bob Furnad was seemingly oblivious to the surveillance camera capturing him and his dog as he looked up his neighbor's driveway, then shoved a plastic baggie into their mailbox.

Hours later Benjamin Dameron and Ralph Miller discovered just what he'd left behind. Dameron said that he was "shocked" to discover what was in the bag.

"We cannot figure out why he did it," Dameron said. "At this point we really don't care why he did it … You know it was a silly thing to do, and were over it. I mean it's just a silly prank."

Dameron, 71, said that the prank that you'd expect from a teen came from Furnad, who is also a respected professor at the University of Georgia.

Furnad, who was head of CNN Headline News until 2001, admitted to the act to police and local media, but did not apologize.

"This was an immature act in response to years of malicious rumor mongering that I consider defamation of character," he told he told the Covington News.

Dameron and Miller have lived in Worthington Manor, a historic home in the quiet, upscale Georgia town of Covington for more than two decades. They say they haven't spoken to Furnad in years, and that any feud is news to them.

But nasty neighbor run-ins like this are all too common - and thanks to ever-present surveillance cameras, it's now easier to catch people in the act, and anyone can find these clips on YouTube.

[abcnews.com]

Kill The Umpire. Seriously.

At a glance, your knee jerk reaction to this would probably be, "this guy is a jerk." But hold on a second. First off, a lot of these umpires stink. It's hard to stand idly by while your grandson is getting called out on strikes where the pitches are about a foot outside. I've seen it many times. Kids can be traumatized by this. Instead everyone is worried about the umpire and his broken nose. If an umpire doesn't want his nose broken, let him get his eyes checked for Chrissake.

Even in professional baseball, these umpires are just no good. During one particular tirade with an umpire, Orioles manager Earl Weaver headed to the dugout screaming, "I'm going to check the rule-book on that," to which the umpire replied, "here, use mine." Weaver said, "that's no good - I can't read braille." The guy was blind. For real! You can look it up. Look at Pete Rose here. He knew the score.

The second and more significant point, why is this umpire's life and safety more valuable than mine? This Alabama law says that if you assualt an "official" it's a felony but if you punch out an ordinary citizen like me, that's just a misdemeanor. WHAT? If anything these umpires are LESS valuable members of society than your average citizen. ANYONE can go out there and blow calls all day. Takes no special talent at all. With all the technology they have today, they should review the replay and if the umpire got it wrong, too bad. The only umpires who deserve legal protection are those who get the calls RIGHT. And they are few and far between.

As reported by Birmingham Fox affiliate WBRC -- and noted by USA Today, among other outlets -- Jefferson County, Ala., resident Darryl Keeton was arrested after attacking an umpire following a youth softball game at Mt. Olive ballpark, the local baseball field. After a game spent heckling the official, Keeton took matters further by attacking the official in the parking lot outside the ballpark, punching him in the face and leaving him with a bloody nose.

Because Keeton was attacking a sports official and not a normal member of the public, a Alabama law stipulates that brief attack must yield Class C felony charges which could land the grandpa as many as 10 years in prison.

"A bloody nose most of the time will get you a misdemeanor, and that's wrong, but yeah, there's a law on the books that if you assault an official it's a Class C felony," Jefferson County Sheriff's Department Chief Deputy Randy Christian told WBRC. "That's a serious crime, and it should be."

Keeton's assault on the official was limited to a first punch thanks to the timely intervention of an off-duty Birmingham police officer, but by that time Keeton -- who was released on bond shortly after his arrest -- had already done enough to land himself felony charges and thoroughly embarrass himself in the process.

"You let the kids and the coaches work that out, that's part of life," Sgt. Christian told WBRC. "But if he's not embarrassed about that, I'm certainly embarrassed for him."

[yahoo! sports]

Aw Shucks I Forgot

I hear Andy Pettitte is on his way back to the Yankees, and besides hating the Yankees in general I hope he gets SHELLED in his return. His last outing was five innings and he gave up five runs to a bunch of minor league nobodies. But he said he was ready to go! He's probably tired of riding buses and wants to get up to FatCatVille.

If you've ever heard this guy interviewed, it's just nauseating. Like so many athletes, he leans heavily on God, and he's not shy about letting you know that. He was asked why he decided to come out of retirement, and he said, "well I prayed with my family and we decided I should come back." What does praying have to do with this? Like God cares if he pitches again and makes another few million? I guess God pays attention to Andy Pettitte and doesn't really have time for the the prayers of starving children because he's such a big baseball fan?

If Andy Pettitte prays about everything, what did God say when he prayed to him about using HGH? "Well God Roger gave me this stuff and said it will help my shoulder and I'm going to shoot this syringe in my butt now, okay? Amen." Did God tell him it was okay? If so, He's not saying.

Finally, everybody falls for this aw shucks praying crap and Andy Pettitte is seen as a nice guy. Amazing that nobody has a problem demonizing Barry Bonds, but THIS guy, he's really okay. Mark McGwire has a job on the Cardinals now. Is anybody hiring Barry Bonds as a coach? Hell no. It probably has nothing to do with the fact that Barry Bonds is black. Maybe he doesn't pray enough.

Finally, if Andy Pettitte gets rocked and can't make it back, will he take that as a message from God that He is DISPLEASED? Despite the prayers? My prayer is that he gives up 50 runs in his first outing, so we'll see WHO HAS THE POWER!

Andy Pettitte, the reluctant witness who was supposed to bolster the government's case against Roger Clemens, appeared instead to have substantially aided his former teammate and friend when he readily conceded he might have misunderstood their conversation about human growth hormone.

The doubt Pettitte acknowledged on cross-examination Wednesday sounded like a significant step back from his testimony the day before that "Roger had mentioned to me that he had taken HGH."

Clemens, a seven-time Cy Young Award winner, is accused of lying to Congress in 2008 when he said he never used steroids or HGH.

Prosecutors had hoped Pettitte, with no apparent motive to lie, would reinforce a case that otherwise relies heavily on Brian McNamee, a former strength coach for both Pettitte and Clemens who says he injected Clemens with steroids and human growth hormone.

So Pettitte's concession weakens the prosecution's effort to prove Clemens guilty beyond a reasonable doubt, University of Iowa law professor James Tomkovicz said in an email.

"The prosecution's case seems to rest pretty heavily on Andy Pettitte's account, and if he is in genuine doubt about what Roger Clemens said to him, there would seem to be a good chance that the jurors will also be in doubt," Tomkovicz said.

Sounding more like a defense witness, Pettitte allowed that he could have misunderstood the conversation, said to have taken place in 1999 or 2000.

Is it fair to say there is a "50-50" chance that Pettitte misunderstood? Clemens' lawyer asked.

"I'd say that's fair," Pettitte replied.

After Pettitte's testimony, the defense asked the judge to strike it. The defense will file a brief to support its position.

[Associated Press]

Why Don't You Just Cool Out And Shut Up?

In a battle between vanity and idiocy, what wins? How about another new word - VANICY. And look, here's someone who has it now...Demi Moore. Hard to figure out what bad trait wins this fight, but the loser is definitely the rest of the human race.

Look at this ditzy broad. Her husband leaves her, she passes out huffing nitrous, her career is not exactly on fire, she's got a family to take care of, and she just got out of rehab. With all this going on, she's thinking about her TWITTER feed! That's got to be about the 900th thing she should be worried about. Why doesn't she give it a freakin' rest for awhile and shut up? Get your life together girl. She's thanking everybody for helping her. Hey you're welcome.

She should be THRILLED right now. She got rid of that massive douche Ashton Kutcher. He's the most talentless idiot on the planet. Here he is spoofing a Bollywood producer. Hilarious! I hear he's planning on going into space too. There are quite a few people I'd like to see get a one way ticket to space and he's definitely one of them.

Next we'll have to read about how hard it is to be a star and the press is always bothering her, etc. COOL OUT AND SHUT UP. Celebrities should be paying me for this advice, but they probably won't. Bastards.

Demi Moore is officially no longer Mrs. Kutcher — on Twitter, at least.

Six months after her split from husband Ashton Kutcher, Moore finally dumped her @MrsKutcher handle for @JustDemi on Thursday.

"So hard finding a name that was fun somewhat playful and available. So for now it will be @justdemi. It could grow on me!" she tweeted. "Thanks everyone for your help in finding my new name!"

Moore had previously defended her decision not to change her handle. "Changing my Twitter name isn't a top priority right now," she tweeted shortly after their split. "Sorry it bothers so many of you. Should I not tweet until I do? Does it really matter?"

Moore and Kutcher confirmed their split in November. Since then, Moore had been relatively quiet on Twitter after entering rehab, but she has recently been promoting Lifetime's The Conversation, on which she serves as executive producer.

[tvguide.com]

Zombies Of The Sea

Another case where you have to read between the lines. It's not a cause for immediate concern? Really? These enormous bastards (doesn't seem right to call them SHRIMP?) are eating everything in their path, including the cute little shrimps we've all gotten used to eating at our local Chinese takeout joint. What's another word for cannibals? How about...zombies? Zombies are cannibals? Is this another stop on the evolutionary path that will result in the zombiefication of our planet? Of course it is! And they KNOW this, which is precisely why they are saying "don't worry, no cause for immediate concern." Because if people knew the truth they would panic and stop working. In the meantime, eat whatever shrimp you can before it's too late and they're all gone, because shrimp contain lots of nutrients that you'll need to have the energy to fight the endless onslaught of zombies before you are torn apart and eaten.

We’ve heard stories of lakes in America coming under attack from all sorts of invasive marine life, and now it looks like our oceans are under attack, too–from terrifying cannibal shrimp. Okay, so maybe cannibal shrimp aren’t terrifying, but they are becoming a problem. Asian tiger shrimp, as this 13-inch species of shrimp-eating shrimp is more commonly called, are native to the waters around Asia and Australia, but over the past few years a growing number of cannibal shrimp have turned up in the waters off American shores. The cannibal shrimp have been spotted along the east coast and the gulf coast for several years, and according to reports their numbers are growing significantly; according to a new report from the USGS, the Asian tiger shrimp population in America’s waters has increased 10 times between 2010 and 2011. “The Asian tiger shrimp represents yet another potential marine invader capable of altering fragile marine ecosystems,” NOAA marine ecologist James Morris said in a statement. “Our efforts will include assessments of the biology and ecology of this non-native species and attempts to predict impacts to economically and ecologically important species of the Atlantic and Gulf of Mexico.” While it’s not uncommon for people to dine on the cannibal shrimp–by some accounts, tiger shrimp make for good eating–some biologists are concerned about their peculiar eating habits. And while tiger shrimp are generally considered to be safe to eat, USGS biologist Pam Fuller points out that they are “very” disease-prone. The cannibal shrimp don’t present any immediate concern, but the USGS says it will continue researching what, exactly, the cannibal shrimp are eating in American waters, and how they got there in the first place.

[the inquisitr]

Jolly Good Show

My mom watches stuff like this and it makes me want to kill myself. Wedding related programming. Worth millions without ever working a day in their lives. And everybody is so happy for them, watching this crap and buying commemorative mugs. You know how you get Kate Middleton's signature glow? You make millions of dollars without ever working a day in your life. That gives you a glow. I'm so glad they are happy. It must be tough to be happy with all of their struggles. Having to navigate through their mansion without tripping over piles of cash and gold. Brutal. At least in the old days sometimes the queen would get her head chopped off. Now it's just boh-ring. Grrrrrr.

Prince William and wife Kate looked lovely again today as they attended a reception in London to celebrate the Scott-Amundsen Centenary Race to the South Pole, in support of The Royal British Legion. The royal couple will celebrate their first wedding anniversary on Sunday and it's expected to be private and low key. But a palace spokesman said today the two will get together with friends "who have a celebration" planned for the night before. Even though it's unclear exactly how the duke and duchess will celebrate, we do know that others are taking advantage of the happy occasion. Tetley tea is honoring the special day by offering a year's supply of Tetley tea to married couples with the names William and Kate. Whether they are Billy and Katie, Will and Katherine, or Wills and Kit, if the two legal first names are traditionally accepted versions of William and Catherine, they will be eligible to receive the prize. Guandong Enterprises is selling a special anniversary mug. Good Morning America's Deals and Steals honcho Tory Johnson announced special deals this morning to help "give you Kate Middleton's signature glow." TLC plans to air a special weekend of wedding-related programming. And E! has announced Giuliana Rancic will host a special, Kate & Will: Happily Ever After, premiering on Friday at 9 p.m. ET/PT.

[USA Today]