The Next President of the United States

When I think of leadership, I think of someone with guts. And as I look around the current political landscape, guts are in short supply. Brains are in even shorter supply, which should have us all worried, but there are alternatives.

Look at this Lohan kid! Typical person would be crapping a brick in these circumstances. Losing their career, going to jail, etc. Not her! She's going to court dressed up like a hooker on her way to the penthouse suite. All that's missing is a bottle of Crown Royal in her cute little fist. Guts to burn. Right on man!

Some candy ass lawyer tells you to dress conservatively. Screw that. Plus the guy is such a good lawyer he has time to do the "Today" show. Shut up Mr. Suit! Tell it to Matt Lauer you douche.

If you're going down, go down with style. Send her to Egypt in that dress and watch them hoodlums get in line. If they send her to Berlusconi in Italy she might not come back. Maybe they could just send parts of her to jail and let the good parts go free? You go girl! She's got my vote. Woooooooof!

Amidst throngs of reporters, fans, and curious onlookers, Lindsay Lohan showed up for her arraignment on felony grand theft charges with every intention of owning the spotlight Wednesday in Los Angeles. Sporting a figure-hugging white knit Kimberly Ovitz mini dress paired with black pumps, Chanel 5182 sunglasses, newly-colored tresses, and a spray tan, there was no way you could miss her.

The mid-thigh length dress was universally criticized by fashion and news sites across the web. TMZ.com likened it to Sharon Stone's infamous "Basic Instinct" outfit, while E! Online asked, "Was it a fashion misdemeanor?" In an interview with the "Today" show Wednesday, defense attorney Mark Geragos advised, "I tell my clients to dress like you're going to church or temple." Clearly, Lindsay didn't get that memo.

[OMG! from Yahoo!]

Cute Couple

"Predictive Text" Can Get You Killed

Honestly, the Captain believes that if you're so lazy that you rely upon a gadget to type your words for you, you're asking to get stabbed 104 times.

A MAN who stabbed his friend to death in a row over a mis-spelt text message has been convicted of manslaughter.

Neil Brook, aged 33, of Wilbraham Road, Walkden, was on trial at Manchester Crown Court accused of murdering his friend and neighbour, 27- year-old Josef Witkowski.

[...]

Brook told the police he sent Mr Witkowski a text containing the word “nutter”, but, because of his predictive text, it came out as “mutter”.

Mr Witkowski took offence and after the pair exchanged a series of increasingly abusive and angry text messages, he went round to Brook’s flat.

[...]

The court heard that Brook grabbed [a] knife from the back of the door and stabbed Mr Witkowski in the leg, and he took refuge in the bathroom.

Brook continued to attack Mr Witkowski and delivered the killing blow, stabbing him in the chest and piercing his heart.

Mr Witkowski had 104 injuries including cuts, stab wounds, bruises and slice marks on his hands.

[The Bolton News]

Asteroid Planning Guide: 4/13/29 Not Looking Good

If the robots don't kill us first, looks like this asteroid will.

The saddest thing about this is that the cosmic cataclysm is planned for April and not October, when all right minded people would welcome a giant meteor crashing into Yankee Stadium during the World Series, wiping out tens of thousands of Yankees and Phillies fans in one righteous blast.

An asteroid considered to be the largest threat to Earth may strike the planet within the next 25 years, according to Russian astronomers.

Scientists at St Petersburg State University have predicted that asteroid Apophis may hit Earth on April 13, 2036.

"Apophis will approach Earth at a distance of 37,000-38,000km on April 13, 2029. Its likely collision with Earth may occur on April 13, 2036," Professor Leonid Solokov said.

[...]

[I]f the asteroid does collide with Earth, NASA estimates the energy from this particular asteroid to be roughly the same as hundreds of nuclear bombs.

[NineMSN]

Two Left Feet

Footloose isn't always fancy-free.

Doctors in China attached a patient's severed left foot onto the calf of his right leg in a desperate bid to save it.

Ma Jun, 36, lost his foot after he slipped into a concrete mixer while working on a building site in Zhengzhou, Henan Province.

He was rushed to hospital along with his severed foot but his left leg was too badly damaged for it to be reattached.

[...]

Dr Song [Wenchao] added: "While it is hosted by the right leg, the left foot can grow new skin, tissue and muscles. It is normal and pink-coloured so the blood is circulating smoothly."

He is now planning a second operation to reattach the foot to the left leg, followed by further surgery to reconstruct the calf.

[Orange News]

Mississippians Eager for Ku Klux Klan Vanity Plates

Remember, it's about heritage, not hate. And needless to say, Jesus would approve.

A fight is brewing in Mississippi over a proposal to issue specialty license plates honoring Confederate Gen. Nathan Bedford Forrest, who was an early leader of the Ku Klux Klan.

The Mississippi Division of Sons of Confederate Veterans wants to sponsor a series of state-issued license plates to mark the 150th anniversary of the Civil War, which it calls the "War Between the States." The group proposes a different design each year between now and 2015, with Forrest slated for 2014.

[...]

Forrest, a Tennessee native, is revered by some as a military genius and reviled by others for leading the 1864 massacre of black Union troops at Fort Pillow, Tenn. Forrest was a Klan grand wizard in Tennessee after the war.

[...]

"If Christian redemption means anything — and we all want redemption, I think — [Forrest] redeemed himself in his own time, in his own actions, in his own words," [Sons of Confederate Veterans member Greg] Stewart said. "We should respect that."

[ABC]

Home Is Where the Corpse Is

There are some great bargains to be had in today's real estate auctions, but there are also some drawbacks to buying an apartment sight unseen. You never know exactly what you'll find behind the door until you open it.

It was supposed to be one of the happiest moments of her life.

A young woman thought that she had snapped up her ideal apartment in the sought-after area of Lisbon, in Portugal.

But when she walked into the flat for the fist time instead of feeling like it was her home sweet home she had a terrible shock.

For lying on the kitchen floor was the rotting corpse of the previous owner, Augusta Martinho.

Ms Martinho had lived alone at the flat with her pet dog for several years before she went missing in August 2002 ago aged 88.

[...]

But the mystery [of Ms. Martinho's disappearance] was finally solved after her flat, which had remained lifeless since she disappeared, was listed for auction earlier this year.

The buyer, who has not been named, found Ms Martinho on the kitchen floor with her pet dog who had starved without her care.

[Daily Mail]

Women Are Just Impossible

If you look at this, here we are, in the midst of the worst economic crunch in memory, and here are these whining jerks beefing about Valentine's Day gifts ANYONE would love to get. One guy makes a "memory box." So what if he ate the chocolates? Earth to Miss Thing, how many guys do you think will spend time making you a freakin' memory box? If any guy I know tells me he's making a memory box, HE'S a memory. Done. Forget it. So you're bitching about how guys are a bunch of insensitive clods, and some dunce makes you a memory box and you bitch about that too. Great. Next.

I see gold and diamonds, a BBQ set and a "Sopranos" box. Wow, what a hardship, getting gifts like that. I'd like to move all these women into a cardboard box together for a year where they'd have to beg for change to buy soup, and THEN show them these gifts, and then, TAKE THEM BACK. Next.

Guy talks about how he still has feelings for his ex-girlfriend. What do you think he is, a heartless robot? Who can spend time with you and then dump you without another thought? Women don't know anything about men. Men linger over relationships, they feel real pain. They don't look at a memory box and dump you! The reality is that WOMEN are the insentive clods. And men are the best chefs too, everybody knows that.

We’ve rounded up the worst of the worst among the hundreds of responses. You may recognize some of these universally bad gifts. Remember, it is the thought that counts, but when the thought is fleeting, last-minute, or downright inconsiderate, the result is a lasting bad memory.

From the mixed-message guy. Charlene remembered the Valentine’s Day she made her boyfriend a memory box and put all of his favorite candy in there among trinkets from their time together. “He gave me a fabric heart-shaped box of chocolates, but ate the chocolates and replaced them with rocks. I dumped him shortly after that.”

From the not-so-observant guy. The key to good gift-gifting is observation – noticing over time what’s important to your significant other, what catches his or her eye, can lead to the best gift ideas. Shine user autumn’s husband could use a little help from The Mentalist to hone his observation skills. “My husband gave me a white gold and diamond cross necklace. It is really beautiful, but I’m a Buddhist—and allergic to gold.”

Something-for-him gifts. The many stories of silly lingerie fit nicely into this category. But a “L’il Smokey BBQ Pit” is a new one, as Shine user Kel can attest: “…because I didn’t have one and HE liked to barbeque!”

The year Shine user e.a.b. lost her job, she still bought her then-boyfriend of one year a digital camera to replace the one he had broken. “I got the entire season of “Sopranos” on DVD. Basically, he bought a gift for himself!”

From the heartless guy. “My worst Valentine’s Day gift? My ex-boyfriend of about a year and a half told me that he still had feelings for his ex-girlfriend,” recalls Shine user Jill.

[Shine]

Robots Getting New Tool in War Against Humans

It's always a great idea to "arm" robots with knowledge of their so-called "human masters." And while we're at it, why not give them the ability to share that knowledge and learn from each other all over the world? What could possibly go wrong?

European scientists have embarked on a project to let robots share and store what they discover about the world.

Called RoboEarth it will be a place that robots can upload data to when they master a task, and ask for help in carrying out new ones.

Researchers behind it hope it will allow robots to come into service more quickly, armed with a growing library of knowledge about their human masters.

[...]

RoboEarth hopes to start showing how the information that robots discover about the world can be defined so any other robot can find it and use it.

[...]

It would be great, [RoboEarth researcher Dr Markus Waibel] said, if a robot could enter a location that it had never visited before, consult RoboEarth to learn about that place and the objects and tasks in it and then quickly get to work.

"Quickly get to work," indeed. "Quickly get to work" killing us all.

[BBC]

I Am Nostradamus - Guilty, But Not Really

Look at this. I already know how this turns out. They will be guilty, without admitting any criminal wrongdoing, and they will pay a fine.

If I'm driving down the road and I get in trouble, I will not be able to say there was "no criminal wrongdoing." These guys are handling BILLIONS of dollars and even when they are caught they don't do squat, even when they have to pay fines.

What does "wrongdoing" mean anymore anyway? As I read this it sounds like crossing against the light. How can you get charged with this and there's a question about "wrongdoing?" What does this mean? If I'm not wrongdoing then leave my doing alone, right? What is going on here?

If you robbed a liquor store and stole $50 you would be facing more time than these swindling bastards.

A national disgrace. I am writing this with one of my kids nearby and she agrees with me entirely, and now I have to get snacks for the other 14 (15?). Thank you.

Two people who once worked for billionaire trader Steven A. Cohen's SAC Capital Advisers were charged with insider trading, drawing the $12 billion hedge fund firm further into a high-profile investigation.

Prosecutors allege that the two former employees, who were among four people charged with insider trading on Tuesday, received confidential corporate information while working at SAC. The firm itself has not been charged with any wrongdoing.

The government has been probing current and former SAC employees since announcing a huge insider trading case involving hedge fund Galleon Group's founder Raj Rajaratnam in October 2009, sources have told Reuters.

[Reuters]

Revenge of the Rooster

The Captain doesn't post many "feel good" stories, but there are rare occasions when he feels he must. This is one of them. May there be a thousand more cockfighting cock-ups like this one.

Cockfighting can be a fatal activity, not just for the roosters.

A 35-year-old Lamont man died Sunday after being stabbed in the leg by a sharp blade that was attached to a fighting bird, authorities said.

[...]

"I have never seen this type of incident," said Sgt. Martin King, a 24-year veteran who noted the major arteries that could have been severed. "People have been known to bleed out from those injuries if medical attention is not obtained immediately."

[...]

[Victim Jose Luis] Ochoa's death caught the attention of John Goodwin, director of animal cruelty policy for the Humane Society of the United States.

"It's pretty rare, but I'm surprised it doesn't happen more often considering the knives they put on those birds," he said. "It's not a surprise that somebody got killed."

[Bakersfield.com]

Egyptian Protester Demonstrates How Not to Throw Molotov Cocktail

[YouTube]

First, Invent a Deity

So the first step is, if you can't understand how something happened, the only logical conclusion is - you invent a deity to explain it. If it's beyond your capability to understand it, that means there's a God.

What O'Reilly leaves out here to some degree are the next steps. Once you establish that there's a deity, the second step is you make fun of and condemn people who don't agree with your point of view. Here O'Reilly gives a good example of this, calling those who criticize him "pinheads."

The next step is action. As in actively going after people who don't share your beliefs. Round 'em up and ship 'em off. As you read this, do you get the impression that O'Reilly would be fine with this? If you don't make the "deity" leap with him, he would be fine shipping you off someplace, or worse. Once you get to this third step, you've successfully shut off all discourse. You have nothing left to learn because you already know everything.

Psychiatrists have a term for this, it's called "self actualization." Where you've reached the point in your life where you have nothing else to gain from therapy. You've got it all figured out, and you are in your ideal state. It's just with people like Bill O'Reilly, that ideal state is an island, populated only with those who agree with him. The rest of the "pinheads" are gone, and the only thing you can see is the moon, the eternal gift of our creator. Amen.

Bill O’Reilly wants to know how the moon got there!

The talk show host — who recently revealed his reason for believing in god: “how else do you explain the tides?” — has taken a a question from a fan to explain the existence of Almighty God.

“Okay, how’d the moon get there? Look, you pinheads who attacked me for this, you guys are just desperate. How’d the moon get there? How’d the sun get there? How’d it get there? Can you explain that to me? How come we have that and Mars doesn’t have it? Venus doesn’t have it. How come? Why not? How’d it get here? How did that little amoeba get here, crawl out there? How’d it do it?

Come on. You have order in this universe. You have an order in the universe. Tide comes in, tide goes out. Okay. Yeah, the moon does it. Fine. How’d the moon get there? Who put it there? Did it just happen?

Okay, if we have existence — if we have life on earth, how come they don’t have it on the other planets? Are we just lucky? Some meteor did this? Bunk!

You know, I see this stuff — it’s desperate. I think I’ve said it many times. It takes more faith to not believe and to think that this was all luck — and all this human body and all the intricacies of it, all luck — than it does to believe in a deity.”

[Showbiz Spy]

Every Man Is His Own Worst Enemy

It's amazing how a guy is smart enough to figure out how to do this, and get away with it, and then he just can't shut up. This happens all the time. You don't get caught doing things, you get caught talking about doing things.

I love the part where the guy's dad is a judge. People don't know this, but judges have a pretty wild lifestyle. Not just wearing the robes and all that, but behind the scenes these guys can party. And lots of times they take some of the money, like I'm sure this judge will pocket a few chips and be off to the races.

Also great to give the casino advance notice. When this guy gets out, he's going to get it EXACTLY right the next time. I know it. We'll talk in ten years, give or take a few.

Reporting from Las Vegas — Anthony Carleo needed to ditch some "cranberries." Fast. And this week, authorities said, he found an eager buyer.

The man agreed to meet Carleo at the lavish Bellagio casino, where in early December a gunman had swiped $1.5 million in casino chips, including $25,000 chips known as cranberries, and sped off on a motorcycle.

Las Vegas police say Carleo sold the man a $25,000 Bellagio chip that Carleo said had been stolen. The next night, court papers said, Carleo sold the man four more.

When the man told Carleo he wanted to assemble a crew to rip off Las Vegas casinos, Carleo's reaction was blase, police said. He had already robbed the Bellagio, they said he told the man, who turned out to be an undercover officer.

Police arrested Carleo late Wednesday at the Bellagio — where he had been staying on and off since the theft — on suspicion of armed robbery and burglary. His bail was set at $15,000, according to jail records, and he is scheduled to appear in court Monday.

Carleo, 29, is the son of local Municipal Court Judge George Assad. "I think it goes without saying that as a father, I am devastated and heartbroken to see my son arrested under these circumstances," the judge said Thursday in a statement.

Court documents portray Carleo as a luckless gambler and a somewhat careless thief. On Dec. 11, he told a Bellagio poker dealer he would love to pocket some cranberries.

"Man, how easy would it be to rob a casino?" Carleo said, according to court papers.

"Dude, you watch 'Ocean's Eleven' too much. This is real life and that … doesn't happen," the dealer reportedly said.

"Oh, no, it's not that hard. All you need is a black mask and a motorcycle, and I have a motorcycle," Carleo said, according to court documents.

[Los Angeles Times]

"Once a Century" Amazonian Droughts Now Happening Every 5 Years

The Amazon rain forest is often called the "lungs of the earth." Unsurprisingly, these lungs are now starting to look like those of a 5 pack-a-day Pall Mall smoker.

A severe drought last year in the Amazon rainforest outpaced a 2005 dry spell thought to be a once-in-a-century event, a new study finds.

[...]

"If drought events continue, the era of intact Amazon forest buffering the increase in atmospheric carbon dioxide may have passed," [researchers from the United Kingdom and Brazil] wrote in a paper published yesterday in the journal Science.

[...]

"The bigger-picture view, however, is that the Amazon has experienced two '100-year' droughts in the past five years, and there is good evidence that the forests are not adapted to drought ... and the bigger trees die first," [Scott Goetz, a senior scientist at the Woods Hole Research Center] said. "There is little doubt that continued droughts of this magnitude and frequency will change the structure of these forests and their ability to sequester carbon from the atmosphere."

[...]

The drought in 2010 could release another 5 billion metric tons of CO2 into the atmosphere as trees killed by the drought decompose, roughly equal to the annual U.S. output of the heat-trapping gas. That dwarfs the approximately 2 billion metric tons of CO2 that entered the atmosphere as a consequence of the 2005 drought.

[Scientific American]