Pope Finally Slams Facebook Generation

Here is another article where you have to read between the lines a little. The Pope probably doesn't want to mess with the guys running Facebook too much, especially since Goldman Sachs is helping them out now and he doesn't want to hurt the Vatican's credit rating. But he's right on the money here, and this statement is pretty sly in condemning this evil trend.

The Pope says that social networking offers a "great opportunity." But he does not give even ONE example of such opportunity in any area of life. Then he goes on to cite "depersonalization, alienation, self-indulgence, and the dangers of having more virtual friends than real ones." That's four bad things. So there are ZERO opportunities and FOUR bad things. That's means he thinks it's BAD.

Popes are used to having to make cryptic comments. I'm sure that quite a few people came to this accurate conclusion on the Pope's condemnation, but the rest of our readers can rely on me. Facebook = Hell. Watch out! And stop posting pictures of your cats playing with string PLEASE! Go out and make a real friend.

Pope Benedict gave a qualified blessing to social networking Monday, praising its potential but warning that online friendships are no substitute for real human contact.

The 83-year-old pontiff, who does not have his own Facebook account, set out his views in a message with a weighty title that would easily fit into a tweet: "Truth, proclamation and authenticity of life in the digital age."

He said the possibilities of new media and social networks offered "a great opportunity," but warned of the risks of depersonalization, alienation, self-indulgence, and the dangers of having more virtual friends than real ones.

"It is important always to remember that virtual contact cannot and must not take the place of direct human contact with people at every level of our lives," Benedict said in the message for the Catholic Church's World Day of Communications.

[Reuters]

Man Tattoos "Mini" on His Member

This gentleman must be very secure about his masculinity.

A German man has won a £20,000 Mini Cooper – after he agreed to have the brand’s logo tattooed on his manhood.

Andreas Muller, 39, from Sachsen Anhalt, entered a radio station contest to show who would pull the craziest stunt to get the car.

Listeners heard him squealing in agony as an expert tattooist recreated the car’s ‘Mini’ logo on his penis while a female presenter looked on.

“There were a lot of crazy stunts put forward by listeners, but Andreas won by a short head,” said one organiser.

Mr Muller said: “Once I’m sitting in the car, it won’t matter anymore. Then the pain will be gone and it’ll be alright.”

[NewsTalk]

Body Heat

Here's a plan to save money and to give people a chance to bathe in the warmth of their loved ones. What's not to like?

CONTROVERSIAL plans are in the pipeline which could see Redditch’s revamped Abbey Stadium heated using waste energy from the neighbouring crematorium, the Standard can exclusively reveal.

[...]

It is believed the heat loss created when the gas within the cremators is cooled down from around 800 degrees to 150 degrees could be almost completely eradicated by transferring the energy to heat a large part of the leisure centre, giving an estimated saving of £14,560 a year.

Simon Thomas, of Thomas Brothers Funeral Directors on Evesham Road, told the Standard: “I don’t know how comfortable people would feel about the swimming pool being heated due to the death of a loved one, I think it’s a bit strange and eerie.

“I’m not comfortable with it at all and I think trying to save money due to the death of someone’s family member or friend is a bit sick.

“I think it will cause uproar and may even put people off using the facilities which would lose the council money. It just doesn’t feel right.”

[Redditch Standard]

RJ Reynolds Mocks Brooklyn Hipsters

And apparently the hipsters aren't hip to the joke -- they're handing over their money as fast as they can to the company that's mocking and killing them.

Bodega owners across Williamsburg and Greenpoint say that they’re selling out of the gimmicky smokes as soon as they’re stocked.

People who once would rather fight than switch are grabbing the pack with their neighborhood’s name.

“I smoke Marlboro, but whenever I see the Williamsburg [Camels] I buy it,” said Abdo Hussein, a worker at God Bless Deli in Greenpoint. “I live in the neighborhood, so it’s cool to have. We’re selling out of them quick.”

[...]

Bodega workers on Bedford and Manhattan avenues said that they’re running out of the neighborhood pack the same day that they’re dropped off.

Heck, one woman even walks into the N 7 Market on Bedford Avenue and N. Seventh Street every single day to see if any Williamsburg packs arrived, a cashier said. When the packs are around, she buys every single one.

[...]

“The pack is kinda stupid, but they [R.J. Reynolds] definitely know how to sell smokes,” said neighborhood resident Tyler Pearson, who coughed up $10.79 for a pack.

The text on the back of the pack reads: Some call it the most famous hipster neighborhood. But it's not about hip. IT'S ABOUT BREAKING FREE. It's about last call, a sloppy kiss goodbye and a solo saunter to a rock show in an abandoned building. It's where a tree grows. It's Camel in the Williamsburg corner of Brooklyn.

It's about breaking free, all right. There's no freedom like the freedom of cigarette addiction. And what's more liberating than cancer?

[Brooklyn Paper]

Killer Tunes

If you're a musician performing in Mexico, you should probably try not to perform at your best. It seems the way Mexican audiences show their appreciation for good music these days is by throwing grenades at the stage and filling performers with hot lead.

Leaving the audience wanting more is the goal of every musician, unless you're a musician in violence-torn Mexico.

Two members of local group La Excelencia were murdered in a Guadalajara bar early Monday morning after refusing to play more songs past closing time, El Occidental of Mexico reported.

[...]

When La Excelencia's performance came to an end around 4 a.m. local time, four reportedly intoxicated and aggressive audience members demanded the musicians continue playing. Sensing trouble, the group extended its set by two songs, but was eventually forced to pull the plug by the bar's owner, according to El Occidental.

Out of nowhere, one of the instigators threw a grenade at the stage. The explosion injured one person and had panicked customers running for the exits.

[Band members] Martinez and Alejandro were among those who fled the bar, but they were met at the front door by a hail of bullets, presumably from the same four men who had harassed them earlier.

[NY Daily News]

Hay, That's Not Funny

Sadly, help did not arrive in time to bale this man out.

Orleans, NY -- A Pennsylvania man was killed when he was struck by bales of hay in Jefferson County Thursday.

State Police in Alexandria Bay said George H. Baker, 66, of Gap, Penn., was parked on the side of county Route 5 in Lafargeville picking up a load of hay to bring back to Pennsylvania. "He was walking along the flat-bed trailer, securing tie-down straps as the hay was being loaded," police reported, when three bales of hay fell onto him.

Baker was taken to Samaritan Medical Center in Watertown where he was pronounced dead.

[Syracuse.com]

Robot Jockeys Electrifying Camels

It seems to the Captain that arming robots with high voltage weapons might not be the best idea. Robots are already taking all our jobs, so it's only a matter of time before they turn on us.

Racing camels is popular throughout the Gulf, where owning a herd of beasts specially bred for the sport has become a fashion accoutrement. The most prized animals can sell for more than $1 million.

But Dubai police have confirmed they uncovered a gang of dealers who were selling electric stun gun kits, for up to £5,000, across the region.

These were then being fitted inside the robot jockeys, which cost between £130-£200, that in recent years have largely replaced child jockeys, traditionally used in camel racing, due to humanitarian concerns.

[...]

"They put stun guns inside the jockey that sits on the camel so it could send electric shocks," he said. "They made them to order and sold them in several countries.

[...]

"It is inhumane to use such machines in camel races. It is also against animal protection laws and against our traditions."

Of course, their "tradition," as alluded to above, was to use child camel jockeys who were as young as 4 years old. These children were sold into virtual slavery by their parents, where they lived in prison camps and were routinely sexually and physically abused in addition to being starved of food to keep them as light as possible. So electrified robots torturing fleet-footed camels represents real humanitarian progress.

[Telegraph]

Survival Skills! Is the Answer

You don't know me. I live in Lower Hackensack, Rhode Island, with my wife and 15 children (6 from current wife, rest from abroad). My kids were watching this "Kardashians" show the other night. And I didn't like it. But my kids LOVE it. So I tell them that's it. No more. And they start crying.

And my wife says "why can't they watch the Kardashians?"

And I say, "what are they learning from this? It's unhealthy."

And she says, "what the hell are you learning watching all those zombie movies?"

And I say, "survival skills!"

This poor prisoner, he couldn't get a dime out of these bastards. These Kardashians destroyed his whole life. Don't say I didn't warn you. Nice cans though.

A Pennsylvania prisoner who claimed that watching reality TV show "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" caused him "extreme emotional distress" has lost a court case seeking damages.

Daniel Goodson had argued in a September 10 complaint that the socialite Los Angeles sisters Kim, Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian intended their behaviour on their two television shows "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" and "Kourtney & Khloe Take Miami" to cause him injury.

He had sought more than $75,000 (£47,163) in damages, as well as an apology, but on Thursday he lost an appeal in the Philadelphia courts.

The appeals court said the sisters' alleged conduct was "simply not sufficiently outrageous" to sustain Goodson's claim for intentional infliction of emotional distress.

It also said Goodson could not prevail on a negligence claim.

[Reuters]

Michelle Obama's Secret Plan to Kill America's Obese

They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. It looks like it's increasingly littered with flattened fatsoes as well.

Scott McCabe, Reporter for the Washington Examiner, pointed out in an email to The Daily Caller that the GHSA brought up Michelle Obama in a story pitch for their report about pedestrian deaths.

Their pitch included a bullet point that read “One is the possible increase in distracted pedestrians and distracted drivers. We’ve been focusing on the drivers, but perhaps we need to focus some attention on distracted walkers! Additionally, Mrs. Obama and others have been bringing attention to “get moving” programs, so perhaps pedestrian exposure has increased.”

Additionally, another GHSA spokesperson mentioned Michelle Obama by name this morning during an interview with a local radio station. Michelle Obama is “trying to get us to walk to work and exercise a little bit more. While that’s good, it also increases our exposure to risk,” said GHSA’s Jonathan Adkins.

[...]

In an interview with the Washington Examiner, [Governors Highway Safety Association Director Barbara] Harsha said that while there are not yet definitive answers as to why there were more pedestrian deaths in 2010 than 2009, Obama’s “get moving” movement could be at least partially to blame.

“There’s an emphasis these days to getting fit, and I think people doing that are more exposed to risk [of getting hit by a vehicle],” Harsha told the Examiner. “Obviously, further study is needed.”

"Further study is needed," the Captain's ass! As Daily Downers has noted time and time again, exercise is at best futile, and as this story proves conclusively, is often deadly.

[Daily Caller]

It's Not a Funeral Home, It's an "Events Center"

Woody Allen once said, "marriage is the death of hope." (He also said, "I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens," which applies equally well to the act of tying the noose ... I mean knot.) So it strikes the Captain as perfectly appropriate for couples to take their giant leap where the bones of the departed eternally sleep.

INDIANAPOLIS — Paulita and Tony Flores took their wedding vows in December in an elegant rotunda with marble floors amid glimmering chandeliers and a bubbling fountain.

It didn't bother them that a room down the hall showcased caskets and urns. Or that the building was surrounded by a large cemetery with 100,000 gravestones on 60 acres. Or that on other days, the facility hosts something a lot more somber — funerals.

[...]

Across the USA, funeral homes are building and marketing such centers as not just a place to mourn the dead but as sites for events celebrating the living, including weddings, birthdays, anniversaries, holiday parties and proms.

[...]

"The place wasn't being utilized because people had tunnel vision," says [events coordinator Carla] Fletcher, who also often plays the part of wedding planner for the couples. "They thought since it was a funeral home, they (couldn't) sell it. But I don't see a funeral home; I see an events center."

[...]

Although people may think it morbid to start a marriage in a place surrounded by sadness, it would be no different than doing it at a church — where both caskets and newlyweds occupy the aisles throughout the year, says Sue Totterdale, national chairwoman of the National Association of Wedding Professionals. "A banquet hall is a banquet hall, and a chapel is a chapel," she says. "If you can get past the driveway and the cemetery, it's going to be beautiful."

[USA Today]

The Scent of Money

You know what money smells like? (OK, most of you probably don't since you haven't worked in years and haven't seen or touched any in recent memory.) It smells like ass, that's what. It's filthy, which is why every cashier with half a brain wears surgical gloves when handling the stuff.

Patrick McCarthy, a vice president of sales at Microsoft, took a break from his day job to create His Money Cologne and Her Money Eau de Parfum, a line of his-and-hers fragrances that are designed to make the wearer smell like a million bucks -- or more, depending on how much you put on.

[...]

"I really feel that people who wear this will feel more confident," McCarthy told AOL News. "I got the idea after reading a story about a Japanese study that showed a significant increase in worker productivity when the smell of money was pumped through vents into factories."

[...]

McCarthy figures [$35 a bottle is] a reasonable price to pay since smelling like money is sure to give someone confidence.

"We have had quite a bit of positive customer feedback," he said. "I'd like to think that people will use it as part of our economic recovery. I got an order from a serviceman in Afghanistan and sent him a bunch of extra bottles.

"They understand what they're fighting for and a lot of it is money."

[AOL News] via [The Hairpin]

Heavy Lifting

If only America's poor and middle class would stop being so goddamned cheap instead of leaving the "heavy lifting" to the rich, maybe this economy would start to pick up a little.

Sales of luxury goods are soaring, while sales at Wal-Mart are tepid. The affluent cardholders of American Express have rebounded, while Visa and MasterCard have yet to see the same surge. Mansions are selling again, ranch houses are not.

The reasons for the divergence are simple enough: The rich are benefiting from soaring stock markets, cheap money and rapid growth overseas. The rest of America is still weighed down by unemployment, poor credit, falling real-estate values and slow domestic growth.

Economists call this a plutonomy, or an economy dominated by the rich. “The heavy lifting is being done by the upper-income households,” Michael Feroli, chief U.S. economist at J.P. Morgan Chase & Co. told Bloomberg.

[...]

Mr. Zandi [of Moody's Analytics] and others say this imbalance is inherently unstable. Relying on such a tiny slice of consumers, who are themselves highly reliant on volatile stock markets and asset prices, is no recipe for long-term growth.

“In the near term it highlights the fragility of the recovery,” he said.

[...]

It’s comforting to think of the plutonomy as temporary, as an unstable, top-heavy system that will soon crumble under its own weight. But right now, all signs point more to its permanence than its collapse.

[WSJ] via [The Awl]

Silent But Deadly

Sometimes he who smelt it gets dealt it.

BRISTOL — — A 21-year-old city man charged with stabbing four people at a party Saturday night, killing one, told investigators he became enraged because people were criticizing him for passing gas, police said.

Marc Higgins, who was described by witnesses as being "very drunk," stormed out of the party, came back armed with three knives and started stabbing people indiscriminately, according to court documents released Monday.

Matthew Walton, 21, also of Bristol, died of stab wounds after the attack, police said. Two men and a woman also were stabbed, but all have been released from Bristol Hospital.

Higgins told police he was angry at being derided and wanted to teach people that they shouldn't trifle with him, according to the court documents.

[...]

Police say Higgins got into an argument with another person at the party, Stacy Buccheri, who chastised him for being flatulent. Witnesses told police that Buccheri slapped Higgins, who smashed a beer bottle and then stormed out of the apartment.

He returned about 45 minutes later, police said, and attacked several people on a porch with knives, including all four who were wounded.

Higgins fled by the time police arrived, but turned himself in to police a few hours later, police said.

[Hartford Courant]

Test Dive

They say that misery loves company, but sometimes it's better to drown your sorrows alone.

A car salesman trapped underwater in a car by a customer who drove off a pier yesterday told an inquest he only realised the man was "on a suicide mission" as they went over the side.

Richard Byrne (45) of Chanel Road, Artane, Dublin 5, drowned after he drove a red MINI Cooper he was taking for a test drive into the sea in Howth on July 13, 2010.

Jeremy Beshoff, the owner of Beshoff Motors in Howth, was a front-seat passenger in the car at the time and managed to escape from the submerged vehicle.

Recalling the terrifying episode at Dublin City Coroner's Court yesterday, Mr Beshoff said Mr Byrne let the clutch out and accelerated hard, driving the car over the side between two boats.

"This happened so quickly I only realised when we were going over the side that Mr Byrne was on a suicide mission."

[...]

"What isn't really explained is why Richard should have involved Mr Beshoff at all," [Coroner Dr Brian Farrell] said. Some time after the incident, Mr Beshoff suggested that "maybe he wanted someone with him because he was too scared to do it on his own".

[Belfast Telegraph]

Fit TV Watchers Just as Doomed as the Rest of Us

We all know that our sedentary lifestyles are killing us, so many of the more health conscious among us have taken to getting regular exercise in order to counteract the risks associated with spending so much time sitting on our asses. But guess what? That exercise is a complete waste of time if you're still spending several hours a day in front of a glowing screen. It turns out that regardless of how much exercise you get, your TV and computer are killing you. All that time you're spending at the gym might help you leave behind a fitter corpse, but that's about it.

Many of us sit in front of a computer for eight hours a day, and then go home and head for the couch to surf the Web or watch television, exchanging one seat and screen for another. Even if we try to squeeze in an hour at the gym, is it enough to counteract all that motionless sitting?

[...]

The latest findings, published this week in The Journal of the American College of Cardiology, indicate that the amount of leisure time spent sitting in front of a screen can have such an overwhelming, seemingly irreparable impact on one’s health that physical activity doesn’t produce much benefit.

The study followed 4,512 middle-aged Scottish men for a little more than four years on average. It found that those who said they spent two or more leisure hours a day sitting in front of a screen were at double the risk of a heart attack or other cardiac event compared with those who watched less. Those who spent four or more hours of recreational time in front of a screen were 50 percent more likely to die of any cause. It didn’t matter whether the men were physically active for several hours a week — exercise didn’t mitigate the risk associated with the high amount of sedentary screen time.

[NYT]