America's Game Begins (And Middles And Ends) With Heavy Drinking

Despite all our problems, America may be producing better morons than ever. And more of them! Here's a story about one of our best and brightest morons right here.

One great thing about sports is the absolutely fundamental role that alcohol plays in the game, including drinking heavily in the parking lot hours before kickoff. They charge like $20 for a beer inside, so it's just good old fashioned American know how on display when you see these guys priming the pump with tall boys starting at 8AM. Girls can get into the act too. And if you watch a game on TV, with all the advertising for beer and booze you would think the players trained and played half crocked all the time.

Bottom line, the game is little more than an excuse to get totally shitfaced, and it's legitimate all-American fun. Heroin, used in private, no. Public bachannals featuring crowds of hardworking overweight slobs pissing all over themselves, that's fine!

When I hear these clowns cursing a blue streak in front of horrified families I always think - the guy can't yell at his wife or his boss, so he's going to air it out at the game. This probably has as much to do with the popularity of sports as anything else, this excuse to get drunk, start screaming, and pull your pants down in public. Some of these people don't know a bunt from a home run, I'm quite sure.

Here it's the FIRST WEEK of the football season and a guy breaks new moron ground by bringing a stun gun into the stadium. The first claim - his high blood pressure caused him to express his displeasure with George Bush, that's fine. So far, so good. Talking during the 9/11 thing. I guess that's okay. There's no law that says you have to be quiet. Plus "come on let's get the game started" may have been appropriate. He was just PSYCHED.

But finally, where we part the ways - the stun gun thing. Now why would you bring a STUN GUN to a football game? I could see using one as a PLAYER, maybe jam it into a running back having a good game at the bottom of the pile to fuck him up a little? But as a SPECTATOR, I don't get it.

In the end, the guy feels alright, except for the "negative attention." One thing about morons, they are resilient until the end. Maybe he thought he would be praised? Look at the initiative he took to bring the thing into the game in the first place. Maybe he thought the stun gun would go down well as a "mixer" with all the beer and booze? In his mind he's some kind of hero. Aren't we all?

A man zapped by a stun gun-toting Cowboys fan says his assailant instigated the upper deck fracas by showing more respect for Dallas' colors than the red, white and blue.

Leroy McKelvey insulted former President George Bush, jabbered during a moment of silence for 9/11 victims and sat during the national anthem at MetLife Stadium last Sunday, Ian Cummings told the Daily News.

"It was the most disrespectful thing I had ever seen," said Cummings, 46, of Farmingdale, L.I.

Cummings said the F-bombs started flying in Section 324 when McKelvey, in a Cowboys jersey, arrived and immediately bad-mouthed the former President.

A former Marine at the end of the aisle took offense, and words were exchanged - but the bad feelings really escalated during a moment of silence for the 3,000 victims of 9/11.

"As that happens, the guy starts going, 'C'mon, let's get the game started,'" Cummings said. "I was kinda shocked. I looked around to make sure everybody heard what I heard."

The final straw: McKelvey was sitting and chatting on a cell phone during "The Star Spangled Banner," according to Cummings.

"The Marine leans over and says, 'You sit during the national anthem, you f---ing this and that. Don't come back this way,'" Cummings said.

McKelvey's son insisted his father meant no disrespect to anyone when he stayed in his seat.

"My father's 59, he's got high blood pressure," said Leonard McKelvey, better known as DJ Charlamagne Tha God. "He did stand at first, but he got dizzy."

When McKelvey tried to leave the seats just before halftime, Cummings acknowledged busting his chops.

"I'm like, 'You couldn't get up before, and now you want me to get up?'" he said. The next thing Cummings knew, he heard the sound of electricity and saw the flash of blue light from the stun gun.

"It hurt," he said. "He got me in the back of the neck. I felt my body shake, and did a header right over the seats in front of me."

McKelvey also zapped the ex-Marine and a third man before he was subdued. The victims all suffered minor injuries.

Cummings, who is considering a lawsuit over the attack, blames lax security as much as McKelvey.

"I said to my friend, 'The patdown is a joke. I've been more uncomfortable in a crowded elevator,'" he said. The NFL announced this week that full-body patdowns are now mandatory at all stadiums.

The younger McKelvey said his father is feeling better - except about all the negative attention.

"He's good," said Leonard McKelvey. "The main thing that bothers him is people painting him like he's part of Al Qaeda, sneaking a stun gun in the stadium. It's crazy."

[New York Daily News]